(no subject)

something more

2010-12-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

why ingrid michaelson is amazing

scared shitless

2010-12-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

i have no idea what i'm doing

i'm in seminary, i work in the retail department of a corporation that i can't actually write the name down of on the internet due to their privacy policy, i feel like i've sold my soul by working in said retail position since i am fervently against the US' consumer capitalist society that i live in, i'm moving in with my girlfriend of 3 years in 6 weeks, we are thinking about getting an animal (most likely a small dog), i could keep going but i don't want to

i'm eating goldfish. they are good.

i'm scared shitless and confident in my ignorance of the future at the same time.

i have so many emotions and no words to express them. really no way to express them. i'm ok tho, i've been here in the past and at those times i needed to do things that were somewhat self-destructive and right now i don't need to. but what i would love to do right now is throw some eggs at some plywood at the beach...but i can't. instead i will listen to this on repeat:

post-(blank) life

2010-08-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

ever have one of those moments where everything that's happened in the last (x-amount of time) seems to just click and point you somewhere? the moment may or may not be life-changing, only the future will tell.

four things happened to me in the last 48-hours that dropped one of those moments on me.

1-i went to a therapist with the intent of a serious "relationship" for the first time in a little over 5 years. while there i got some affirmations that i REALLY needed regarding my relationship, my life's ambitions, and my feelings towards my family

2-i become a professional grade 8 referee. i passed the test and got my badge and can now earn money and climb the career ladder to becoming a world-class referee.

3-i watched "catch me if you can" with my best friend.

4-r shared some personal struggles with me that really opened my eyes.

looked at separately these things don't seem like they should have some sort of life-changing kick to them. but for me when thrown together...and i'll even go so far as to say...in that order, they did. it feels like i finally feel "grown-up." college is over, this is life, i am now a part of it. i can't really explain what exactly i figured out or what exactly i need to do or what exactly this all means.

things i do know:
1-i need to stop living off of everyone else and live off of myself. life isn't handed to you, you have to take it for yourself. if i want something, i need to work for it and attain it myself.

2-as much as i enjoy simple things and taking the easy way out i need to keep pushing myself to attain the best that i can. i need to set the bar higher. i need put the fire under myself, no once will.

3-i need to let others take care of themselves. i am not superman (or superwoman). i can be there for support but i can't be there to take over and make everything better. i can prop people up and i can keep them going, but i can't kick all the people's asses that have hurt them and i can't put their life back together for them.

as i've said this may or may not be a life-changing, but i'm personally hoping and trying to make this at least a turning point. i'm laying another stone down on my path and i'm stepping onto it.

the friend

2010-06-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

so i'm back home from oregon...and my, oh my has the last week been....well i don't even know what to call it. crazy isn't right, busy isn't fully true, weird is definitely not the word, but normal is far from right as well. so yea it's been a week.

thursday, i parted from a and my beloved car. it was very weird to watch my car drive away with someone else driving. like legit weird. and then i went and sat in this cute coffee/tea shop across from the hostel a and i stayed in. i had my duffel bag with me but i wasn't a sore thumb cuz there were some people with big backpacks. the world cup games hadn't started yet so i sat at a chair by the window and set up my computer to blog. then a lady who was sitting right in front of the tv got up and i thought about snatching the seat but i noticed she had left her really nice leather jacket so i left my stuff and ran to catch her. a lady outside said it was real cool of me to do that. but i was just glad to be nice. then i sat awhile trying to blog but nothing came to me. then r called and said to come outside so i packed up and gathered to head outside. r and her mom and a cousin picked me up, then we dropped the cousin off and visited some family friends. i knew that to them i was "a friend" but little did i know that the rest of my week would be that way.

r and i went to powell's for the afternoon and she told me there to that the family we'd be seeing later i was just a friend as well. i was relatively ok with that cuz it was just a few hours. powell's was relatively fun even though it was my third time there in three days. then we went and had dinner with her family. it was a great evening, especially since the lakers won the nba finals (i am NOT a lakers fan, just less of a celtics fan). then we drove to the family friend's house we were staying at. r and i had a good "reunion" there and shared a bed that night. the next morning we slept in and went into town (a rinky-dink town) and had lunch, i knew that it would be a bad idea to do anything "couply" so i didn't but i had quite an amusement with the stares at ME since i was VERY androgynously dressed that day. =)

then we went back to the house and it was there that r told me that the family we were staying with (whom i already could tell was God-fearing by all the crosses and lord's prayers) would not take kindly to us so i was just a friend, and that when we got to her father's side of the family (oh yea! i met up with r in oregon cuz her distant father passed and she wanted me there as emotional support at his 'celebration') she didn't know what they'd think so i would be just the friend again. well i was very surprised to learn all this. i mean i really hadn't expected to be in the closet the whole time. and on top of that, try and explain to people why in the world YOU'VE decided to come 700 miles to be with a friend from college who is in oregon (and originally from hawaii) for her father's funeral. i mean i told the truth, i had road-tripped up with another friend and it just so happened that r was also here and since HI is really far we decided to meet up. luckily no one asked but they had that glimmer of "well why didn't you just get lunch? why are you HERE?" but i for sure felt it. the family we were with that night, one of them straight up said "well that's a really crazy coincidence!" but in a condescending tone as if i was lying to her. which i mean technically i was but not really.

anyway, i was really hurt, and not by r. i was hurt by having to go back into the closet. it was REALLY hard. i mean it's one thing to be in the closet about yourself, and even your relationship when your s-o isn't around, but it is a whole other thing to be in the closet about yourself AND your relationship while you are right next to your s-o and in the company of many heterosexual couples, especially when there really isn't a reason for you to even be there in the first place so everyone is scrutinizing you. i mean i COULD have come out myself and not been out about mine and r's relationship but because i had no other reason to be there than as her s-o, it would have pretty much outed r for sure. it was pretty much torture. and extremely emotionally tolling.

luckily we only spent two nights where i had to be completely in the closet. the last three nights we stayed in a house that already knew about r and i so i had a sanctuary. when we were with r's father's family i was "the friend," though i'm pretty sure at last a few people knew that was a lie, but at the end of the day i could myself.

overall the trip was really nice. it was a good break from the depression that i felt myself falling into after i graduated. and now i feel like i have a renewed sense of myself and my life. i dearly miss r, and am pissed that no one has invented a bridge to hawaii. but for now i am content with my life. next step: get a job...AHAHAHAHAHAHA

(not) a part of portland

2010-06-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

so as already stated, i'm in portland. still enjoying it, though the weather is not nearly as cheery as i'd like it to be, but i guess that's expected this far north...over the 45 parallel (aka half-way between the equator and the north pole). i'm also enjoying all the beautiful dogs. note that i added beautiful and didn't just say all the dogs. portlandians (i made that up, hope it's right) have tons of dogs!!! they are everywhere and i LOVE it...but on top of that they are truly more beautiful as a general population than anywhere else i've been. i want to steal at least 20 dogs a day cuz they are all so cute!!

a (my old friend) and i have just been putzing around portland, riding the free streetcars and max lightrails all over and just generally taking the city in but not spending too much money (well i'm now up to $60 at powell's but what can i say). one thing, besides the beautiful dogs, that we notice a lot is how the same everyone is here. i mean everyone is an "individual" and they are different than most everywhere else, but because they are all different, they are all the same. it's kind of weird and annoying at the same time. and because of it, i kinda stand out. the general dress here is a mix between punk, grunge, artsy, and outdoorsy. even the people in business attire have some sort of grunge or outdoor element to them. and well i don't fit that. a kinda does cuz she is sorta punk artsy, but i'm...well i'm t-shirt n jeans/guys shorts and a simple zip hoodie. not to say that i don't fit into any one of the above categories, but generally since i also wear brightish shirts, i stand out a bit. and i don't really mind but what is most weird is that i fit in enough that it's not obvious that i'm from out of town. i almost wish that it was obvious that i'm not from here, but i don't think it is. but really it doesn't matter, just observations.

i found this great book (one of many!) at powell's called "out of the closet and nothing to wear" by leslea newman (she's the one who wrote "heather has two mommies"). it's a pretty easy read and i finished it in a total of about 4 hours tops. it is written from leslea's perspective and is about general life experiences with her wife, flash, in a femme/butch relationship. and although r and my relationship isn't very femme/butch at all, it just kinda made me want to be r's "butch." like obviously i shouldn't be butch if i'm not, but it was just so cute and all and i am the more butch one in our relationship, and yea it was just a cute quip i wanted to share with the world.

now i'm reading "self-made man" by norah vincent. it's super insightful and i'm really enjoying it!

ok the end.

roadtrip

2010-06-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

so im currently in portland, oregon. an old friend and i decided to roadtrip up here about a year ago and we did it!!! it's a pretty sweet town, well i guess city, and powell's books is mind-blowingly awesome!! but having been here less than 24 hours i don't have much more to say about it. ok well the hostel is pretty cool, much better than the backpacker's i stayed in when i traveled in south africa. but yea, that's all.

i haven't posted in awhile but i just noticed that awhile back, maybe a month, i had some ideas and so i started a draft. of the three bullets in the draft i only remember what i wanted to post for one of them. i was watching the discovery channel and a commercial for the new season or a new special or whatever of plant earth was on. the commercial was pretty much advertising that this time around they'd have more "extreme" animals with more "extreme" behaviors that were way more "extreme" than the ones previously on planet earth. and it made me wonder "who determines what 'extreme' is? and what is it compared to?"

the only reasonable explanation i could come up with was that the behaviors are extreme as compared to human behaviors and other "normal" behaviors already exhibited by animals that we see all the time. and this made me wonder, why is that humans and their behaviors are "normal"? well, of course, it is because we always compare things to what we know, which in this case is our own behavior and the behaviors already established by other animals that we consider "normal." obviously the frogs that have super long tongues, or can change color, or whatever it is that made them "extreme" don't consider their behavior extreme, for them it is normal...but then again, do they even think about? that's a whole other topic so i won't go there. but really, why is that humans always consider themselves superior? why can't we just be in equal harmony? i mean how do we know that if those frogs weren't alive that we too wouldn't be around? i highly doubt that's true, but in such a case, if we were dependent on those frogs wouldn't they be superior? but it doesn't really matter. i just wish that we didn't need to feel superior to nature, or even to other humans, i wish that we could just except each other's uniqueness and celebrate it. why couldn't that commercial have marketed the "extreme" behaviors as "unique" behaviors? or some synonym of that? just my crazy thoughts.

sort of along those lines, i've noticed how some humans judge others but what they do or don't do, or by what they do or don't think or feel or eat or wear or react or really any verb. and i'm not going to try and lie and say that i don't do cuz i do. but one thing that has really caught my eye is how some people judge others by their literature and philosophical trends and whether or not they are "trendy" per today's apparent standards. for example, some close friends have a huge issue with the usage of some words that they feel are socially unjust and want to eradicate from the world. and i'm not just talking about the n-word or the r-word or the f-word. i'm talking about words like b!#*h, f*!k, and cripple. now please don't take me the wrong way, i do believe that there are situations in which ALL of the above words should not be used. but the latter words, and even some of the former words, i feel that when in company who KNOWS the context of the way you are using it and that you don't mean harm, the words are perfectly fine to be used. but said friends feel that they should NEVER be used because the use of them puts down the people who the words are meant to be harmful. and just my thinking that there MAY be contexts in which the words COULD be used has them judging me, i don't even need to USE the words to be judged. in general i consider myself i pretty socially (and environmentally) just person, but because my personal philosophy does not align with theirs, i am not good enough and i am judged. these people are still my friends, but i can feel that i am not considered as "good" or "moral" or "upstanding" as they are. which to me makes them less upstanding, since they feel the need to judge me. i mean shouldn't we all be working together here? does it really matter if i feel that i can use the word b!#*h in certain contexts when it comes to how i fight for queer rights? or for a better government?

the thing that really gets me is that said friends LOVE lady gaga, like LOVE lady gaga, and feel that she stands for social progression and sticking to "the man" but last time i checked lady gaga loves the b-word...so aren't they being slightly hypocritical? hmmm...

overdue

2010-04-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

i don't know why but "if we ever met again" by timbaland ft. katy perry is STUCK IN MY HEAD!!! well i guess only when lady gaga and beyonce's "telephone" isn't! I don't hate it, it's just getting annoying. the funny thing is that neither of them are particularly amazing songs...and timbaland's video isn't really amazing, though i do find it interesting that katy perry has perfect teeth on top and very unperfect teeth on the bottom (see 2:13-14ish). "telephone" i think is an UH-MAZE-ING video!!! it's soooo NOT a music video!!! love it! and i also love that it's the sequel to the video for "paparazzi." i think that's a really interesting move in the music video realm. check the videos out for yourself at the bottom of this post.

i promise music videos were NOT what was going to be the meat of this post. i've actually been thinking about this post since mid-february, and i keep "encountering" it. i don't know if i'm the only one this happens to or not, i really hope not, but i hope you understand what i'm talking about. i call it "the perfect day." and it is honestly more a realization in the moment than feeling amazing for a whole day. the time that really inspired this post was, as i said, mid-february (which is usually pretty cloudy and cool even in southern california) and was a VERY nice day. it was like the taste of spring before the real first day of spring. i had for some reason gotten out of my internship early enough to walk to a burger stand kiddy corner from a corner of campus. i hadn't been to the stand in about two years and i ordered a turkey burger combo. i walked back to campus, picked up a copy of the school newspaper and climbed into the amphitheater surrounding the fountain at the center of campus. i pulled out my ipod ( i was in an ingrid michaleson mood =) ) and began eating leisurely. i had texted r and she was going to meet me and we were going to walk to class together. while i was waiting for her i took a bit of my burger and looked around the amphitheater at all the smiling, laughing, dancing, eating, reading, walking, happy people. the sun was warm on my skin, one of my favorite songs was playing, the fountain was jumping, my burger was amazing and i just smiled. it was perfect. and in that moment i left my body and floated about ten feet up and just took everything in, let it fill me up and was content. i was able to be in that blissful state for a couple of minutes, but something brought me back down and i returned to living. it was still perfect but i no longer controlled how i felt the emotions. and since then i KEEP having those moments. it doesn't matter all the stress i'm under with school and money and family and my dogs being sick, it doesn't matter in these moments. i guess the best way to say it is that i'm living in the moment. and it really is the best.

i've also become whole. that sounds so weird! lol. but i have. my gender identity, gender expression, sexual identity and life in general have finally completely aligned and i finally feel like a whole complete person like i wrote in all of me. since then i have also stopped feeling like "a lesbian" or seeing r as "the woman i love." i feel more and more like i am me, which you can describe using adjectives such as lesbian, soccer player, student, environmentalist, peace-lover, girl, etc. and i know look at r as "the person i love." my sexuality is no longer what defines me, but is a part of the integrated whole.

the above realization made me begin to question the use of "i'm a lesbian" as opposed to "i'm lesbian." i mean i'm not super huge on the grammar and the technicalities of literature and writing, but there has GOT to be something there, and this is what i see. in the first phrase lesbian is a noun and in the second an adjective. in the first phrase lesbian is used as a defining word and in the second as a describing word. in the first phrase lesbian is used singularly and in the second is open to being more than one. for me the first phrase is where i was: singularly defined using a noun, and the second phrase is where i am now: many adjectives integrated into me leaving me open for community. it isn't groundbreaking, but is a distinction i am going to start making for myself.

In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write? -Rainer Maria Rilke

"if we ever meet again" by timbaland featuring katy perry

"telephone" by lady gaga featuring beyonce (clean version)

"paparazzi"

the problem with peace

2010-03-24T00:09:00.001-07:00

so i was surfing the internet and found this article about a mennonite college playing the national anthem for the first time ever during a recent baseball game. i was intrigued as to why the mennonites have a problem with the national anthem so i followed a link in the article to this page. i read the whole thing and found it very interesting. as a professed lover of peace (though i do have a small place in my heart for the UFC, boxing, brawling, wrestling and sparring) i was particularly intrigued because i had never thought about how the US flag and anthem were conceived (both during war). and then i read this: "Many nations broke off from the British empire over the years, and they all have basic freedom of religion and speech--Canada, Australia, India. None of these nations fought a war against England. Only the U. S. found that necessary." and it really made me think. i mean WOW, soooooo true!!!! i mean technically canada is still headed by the queen of england (learned that during the olympics opening ceremonies. see for yourself here though i'm not sure which video it is exactly) but really that doesn't make that big of a difference. the point is MAYBE i'm in the wrong country. we were based on war, are much too socially conservative for my taste, have way too much wrong with us, and our government STILL can't do anything. don't get me wrong, i DO love the US in the same way that i love my hometown even though i was only there for less than 2 years.

i can't change where i'm from, but i can change where i'm headed. and i think maybe i should.

we all have our own demons

2010-01-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

my bff is in italy till may. today we were IMing and she said she had an epiphany: that she wasn't actively participating in her life. she said that people always saying living is 90% showing up and the other 10% is taking action, well she's only been doing the first 90%. and she was really distraught over this epiphany. she asked how i live my life, what actions i take. i told her there is no magic action, all you need is passion. and you must act on it. she has passion. she has a passion for italy, hence she went there. but all she's done is go to class, the cookie cutter tours and sit in her apartment. she is missing out cuz she isn't acting on her passion. she said she was too afraid to act. i told her that we all have that fear, but that we all have to take fear by the horns and throw it aside so that we can take action on our passion. i think i got through to her, and i think tomorrow is going to be a better day for her.

not acting is her demon. mine is the fear of not being happy in the long run. hence i've always looked for things that would make me happy in the future instead of in the present. but i finally threw that bull aside and applied to graduate school where i'll be happy now. it wasn't the path i was expecting but i'm happy with it: master in theological studies here i come!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson

remember

2010-01-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

"The gunfire around us makes it hard to hear. But the human voice is different from other sounds. It can be heard over noises that bury everything else. Even when it is not shouting. Even if it's just a whisper. Even the lowest whisper can be heard - over armies - when it's telling the truth."
-The Interpreter

all of me

2010-01-14T00:29:00.000-08:00

my parents took me to church for the first time (that i know of) when i was three years old. i accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when i was six years old. it was a genuine experience, i know, i was there. i was raised in that same southern baptist church. i attended sunday school most every week, participated in bible drill every year i could and new every vacation bible school story (my mom was always the director).

sometime the summer before 7th grade i began to rebel and fall away from church, and to a certain extent forgot about Jesus. at that same time i had my first sexual feelings for girls. at the time i didn't fully understand them, but now i do. some time in the middle of 8th grade i realized my mistakes and corrected them. i also came back to Jesus, the patient healer.

in ninth grade i began attending a youth group at an evangelical free church. i also began to grow more and more upset with my sexual feelings for girls. at the time it wasn't a big deal to me, or at least i don't really remember it being, but it is in way too many of my diary entries to ignore their presence.

growing up i had never been explicitly told that homosexuality was wrong or a sin but it was always assumed. this caused me a lot of stress once i recognized what the feelings i was having were and what they meant. i spent way too much time concerned about sinning in relation to these feelings during high school.

my junior year i met my current best friend. she opened up a whole new world for me. a world where sexuality was celebrated no matter what it was. we grew closer. senior year i grew comfortable enough with her to make comments about women around her. i still felt like i was a sinner, but only when i was with church people. by myself i began to question if my feelings really were a sin.

the summer before college a group of girl scouts went to disneyland and a friend whom i had always consider like a younger sister held my hand through the whole trip. literally. the way lovers do. and i'd say that i fell for her, if only a puppy love. once we got back she didn't appear to return my feelings, though i never made a real advance as i felt she was too young (three years my junior at that age is a huge difference). but the experience really pushed me. i credit it her with opening my closet door all the way. that summer i confided my feelings in a person i considered a mentor at the time.

my entire first year of college was devoted to determining whether or not i believed homosexuality was a sin. my best friend endured many a night of my depression, stressing, whining, threatening self-mutilation and small steps towards acceptance. my best friend and my then mentor served as guides on my never ending path of questions, advances, stumbles, stops, and pushing ons towards understanding my sexuality. through it all God heard me cry. a lot.

at the end of the school year a close friend of mine who had once told me that homosexuality was a sin in the bible and God's eyes came out to me and apologizes for any hurt her previous statements had caused. that was the last piece of evidence i needed. deliberations began. the summer following my freshman year i fell into a deep depression as i wrestled with God and myself (mostly myself i think, i bet God just sat there and chuckled making sure i didn't hurt myself) over the clash that sexuality caused with my faith.

august 1, 2007 sometime shortly after midnight i handed God the verdict. He knew it was coming and embraced me with open arms. i came out to myself and to God. well in reality i told God that He had made me in His image and that i was perfect, and if He made me perfectly then there must be nothing wrong with me, including my sexuality, and if that was so then i was placing my life in His hands (again) and letting Him steer my path.

and the rest is history. actually the rest is riddled with continued pursuits of how my faith and sexuality influence each other and how they are intertwined for me. but that is a recent realization. so now i stand ready to step on the next stone in my path, the one where my faith and my sexuality are no longer separate (from each other or from me) but are a part of the greater whole.

i have never felt so whole or alive in my life. it's like all my body parts finally fit together properly and i'm able to move without fear of falling apart. and it feels so good!

my (revised) to-do list

2010-01-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

so two years and one day ago i wrote my first to-do list. i just re-read it, and sadly I haven't really accomplished any of them, other than i have been working on being selfless (it's tough stuff!), i continue to fundraise for the LLS, and am closer to reading through the Bible. I also realized that the list has changed a little for me so I decided to revise it.
1. carry all that i need with me and go and do what needs to be done in africa [same]
2. own an organic and self-sustaining plot of land, not necessarily a farm; a garden will do [same]
3. own my own bar or bakery/bar
4. work in any sort of parks system
5. be selfless [same]
6. fundraise for the leukemia and lymphoma society [same]
7. sponsor a child completely (i currently sponsor two kids in uganda, but only their education and basic basic medical stuff) [same]
8. read thru the Bible (when this one is completed i will put a check above it and write "again" after) [same]
9. learn to play guitar [same]
10. travel to and enjoy the azores [same]

i realize this list is kind of a long-term list so i think i'm going to come up with a "short term" list. probably of stuff for the coming year. i'll post it soon. until then:

the little things

2009-12-24T00:31:00.000-08:00

i've been home since sunday night and i am so glad to be around my dogs again. my younger dog has this habit of following around whoever is home and "hanging out" with them. usually its my mom if we are all home, but the last few days i've been home alone or with my brother and so the dog follows me around. last night i was in my room folding laundry or whatever and i looked over and he was laying with his head in his paws facing the door like he was my little guard post. it was sooooooo cute. i moved to get my camera and he looked up like "what? what's the matter?" it was so cute. =)

i've also been looking thru a brochure for a school of religion here in norcal because i'm interested in a certificate they have. and i was reading about the master's in theological studies and i just got like this great focus when reading it and i was like "hmmm...maybe that's what i've been looking for" since i've been so confused with what to do after university ends and nothing i read has seemed right. i don't know. i'm going to pray about it. but it really got me thinking. and i realized how much my faith affected my coming out and how much my coming out has affected my faith.

see when i came out to myself it was more of an admission to God that i was putting my life in His hands and it appeared as though He was telling me it was ok to love other women. so it was definitely me submitting to God. so it was really my faith in God that allowed me to come out. at the same time, since i've come out my faith has grown and i feel much more secure and confident in it. i mean that's what happens when you put your full and true faith in God, then your faith grows. wow, so glad i finally figured that out! =)

this is a favorite of mine. and this is an excellent version. enjoy!

lovely

2009-12-21T00:31:00.000-08:00

earlier today i drove home from college. i passed thru LA and i realized that LA and the surrounding cities are like a huge tarmac playground. there are buildings and cement everywhere!!! and then all of a sudden there is fake nature. i mean its grass and trees and there's squirrels and stuff but it is all tame and completely reliant on humans. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. one thing i do know is that the sunrise over LA is just as pretty as when it rises here at home.

also realized today (on the 7 hour ride home) that i am VERY thankful for my closest few friends. in today's age of now, now, now information we are expected to know lots of people and be friends with everyone. but in reality it helps us stay away from people and not make real connections. and really, i'd rather have a few really good, really close friends that are true and genuine and that REALLY know me, than a million friends that don't know the first true thing about me. shouts to r, navra, ja, and rory.

ps- this is a rocking blog from a person that rocks my world: first person narrator

one of the boys

2009-11-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

yesterday in my ecosystems ecology lab/practical we were constructing chicken wire cages to put around plants that we are running experiments on so that the snails we are using won't leave the plants...who knew snails were such turds? but anyway. there were six of us in the lab...4 girls, 2 boys...we had three groups...2 were mixed and then mine was two girls. so we set out to prepare our experiments. we needed to build the cages, prep the plants, add the snails. so half of us were building the cages and the other half were prepping the plants. then one of the girls goes: it's kinda funny, the boys are the ones building the cages. *everyone chuckles* well the boys and k. *real laughter*.

proof from my peers: i'm one of the boys. =)

hahaha

2009-10-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Also here.

guns n roses

2009-10-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

so...today i had THREE stressful events but i made it through.

i started the morning off real good. i did my usually three hours of research. today i got to scan leaves into the computer and then used this cool program that figures out the area of the dark space in order to...dunt dunt dunt....find the surface area of the leaves we're gonna mess with. =)

then the first stressor. and this will probably sound odd but i went to the therapist. a few weeks ago i had a real stressful spell n just wanted to explode so i went to the school psychological center. i basically just wanted to have a system in place just in case it happened again. but the therapist said to come back the next week so i did. but after the first visit and especially today i remembered why i didn't like therapy. i feel like the therapist asks dumb questions and you give dumb answers and you just feel dumb. and all i can say is that i feel better talking to people who already know and are actually interested in me...i feel bad saying that cuz i know some people who are therapists and they are great people. maybe i'm just not as open to it as i need to be in order to take it ok.

second...the second round interview for a job i applied for. i'll know by friday. it's a place calledbounceU. i'm excited. but i was super nervous cuz all my jobs before have been phone interviews or i knew the people who hired me so it was nerve racking.

third...test. but it went REALLY well. it was in sexual politic in a diverse society...i basically knew all the gay stuff from other classes so it was good! =)

i also got to go to QSA which i usually miss cuz of class. then after i went to cheesecake factory with r n a friend that rocked. we parked on the rose level. which made me think of drop dead gorgeous so now i'm watching it!!!

the hours

2009-09-29T23:23:00.001-07:00

so i have been failing miserably and blogging! but alas i will one day get there.

i figured out what i want to be when i grow up, for the third time. i want to be a social justice advocate/director/person. i don't know the exact position title but i want to be that. at my school we have a social justice department in student government and our staff member for it's name is erin. i want to be her. she not only is advisor/staff member for social justice but she is also the head of safe space. to quote my school's website: (sorry i'm not posting a link for safety reasons) "Safe Space is an educational intervention to show support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning (LGBTQ) students and to make an environmental and cultural impact on the school campus through a public display of support for this community. This outward display designates given areas or offices as “safe spaces” for LGBTQ students. This intervention is supported by the Division of Student Affairs at the university." (so i looked it up just now, erin is program coordinator for diversity and equity initiatives.) so that's what i want to do. i want to do what erin does, not necessarily at the university level, though it's probably the most fun, but somewhere. so basically this means that i want to go to grad school for sociology (aka follow my minor) and NOT environmental science. lol. i still love the environment and working in it and stuff but i'm not IN love with it. mhm. so there's that.

speaking of my minor, a class i am currently taking is "sexual politics in diverse society." which basically means that we talk about the history of gay people and all things related in a political context. i'm enjoying it, though i already know a lot of it. lol. but anyway, today we were talking about outing and closets. and we talked about some interesting things that i hadn't really thought about. like can you be gay and in the closet? it seems relatively obvious that the answer should be DUH! but when you think about it if a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? with no one knowing that you're gay is there really anyone to be in the closet to hide from? and if no one knows you're gay, are you? that's a very philosophical question that the teacher left for us to think about (he has a girlfriend but i think he might be bi...so i don't know how much i can trust his knowing what it feels like to be gay even if no one else knows. oh ps-if it isn't obvious yet i'm queer. just thought you should know lol). my response to his question is yes, even if no one else knows that you are gay, you are. and i think that yes you can be in the closet even if no one knows you are, because you are still hiding a part of yourself.

another interesting question/thought: does the closet give gay people a voice? what about protection? is it TRULY safe there? my professor said that the closet doesn't give the gay person a voice, but rather society. society has the voice to say "we don't like you so you should hide from us or else." i agree with him but i also believe that it does give the gay person a voice to a certain extent, it gives them the voice to say "i don't want to tell you this about me (albeit i don't want you to know because you hate me)." i mean technically there are all sorts of closets. cancer patients can be in the closet about their affliction and its their choice whom and when to tell. so i think the closet gives gay people the same sort of voice. the closet does to an extent protect, only because society can't hurt you if they don't have a reason to hate you. but then again it doesn't protect you from the mental afflictions of being afraid of society and being judged. which means that no, it isn't truly safe in the closet. the problem with imaginary doors is that they don't come with real keys and can be forced open by anyone leaving gay people vulnerable.

pretty much best performance i've seen in awhile....i won't say ever cuz it's not true but i love this!!!! i pretty much love beyonce...if jay-z goes missing look me up. lol

fail

2009-09-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

so i definitely failed on the blogging everyday thing.
oops.

anyway. what to talk about? i really need to get back into the swing of things.

well for one i am sooooo over school. it's only been 3 weeks now but i'm over it. but really what would i be doing? i mean what in the world am i gonna do with my life when i'm out of school? ugh. may is going to get here waaaay too fast. i can feel it. i'll probably just sit around watching CSI and family guy and miss all my friends.

ugh. my leg has also been randomly hurting today. first my knee and then my hip flexor. it just aches.

yea i have absolutely nothing to write. hopefully tomorrow i will =)

getting back into it

2009-09-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

i'm not even going to try and "catch-up" lol but i'm sure there will be stories and anecdotes from my trip to south africa and tis past summer in posts to come.

i realize that there IS some sort of blog everyday for a month type thing...i think its called NaBloWriMo or something like that...but i am not doing that even though i HAVE decided to do my best to blog everyday for...awhile...cuz i miss it. =)

so today...
my toe feels weird. the day before yesterday it hurt to walk on it and then last night it started tingling. the kind of tingling like when a lose cotton material rubs ever so slightly on your skin. like that. i looked it up and i think i may have pinched a nerve....possibly when my toe HURT. it feels better today so i'm not too concerned.

i am ADDICTED to CSI. it's pretty much killing my productivity. i have wasted THE WHOLE WEEKEND on CSI or family guy. instead of doing homework and cleaning. =)

i saw "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" on friday night. it is hands down the most hilarious movie you will ever see. and one of the best in general. i LOVED it! as did my girlfriend. lol

ok back to homework....or to be honest CSI ;)

the gray week-ish

2009-08-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

since july 13th, i've been on jury duty. it sucks. i hate it. it's my civic duty. that's about all i can say. we are deliberating, and i can't wait for it to be over! the subject matter is something that hits close to home and i knew i'd be able to put any emotions aside to make a proper judicial/legal/fair/whatever judgement but i didn't realize the emotional toll it would take on me just being around the subject matter.

then tuesday my computer just randomly crashed itself and there was a random crack on the case that whatever caused it also seemed to have cause some internal damage. but the cost to repair it all was about the same amount as it would be to buy a new computer, so my parents and i decided to buy a new computer. they chipped in but i paid for about 2/3rds of it. which is fine with me, but it sucked cuz i'm nearing the end of an online class i'm taking in computer programming so it set me three days back in my work/studying for the final.

then i went to the doctor on wednesday, and not to get into too much personal detail, i needed to have blood work ran. thyroid check, glucose/insulin/glucagon check, and a couple of other things. wellll the glucose etc. check is a fasting one where you fast then they take blood and you drink 75mg of straight sugar (basically soda syrup yech!!) then they take blood at 1 hr, 2 hr and 3hr. wellll from the fasting, and cuz my veins just SUCK, my veins were very small. needless to say after all was said and done i had been poked 7 times, had one collapsed vein, one blocked up vein, and had had my blood literally sucked out of me. NOT FUN! hopefully it was worth it cuz today i look like a druggy (the blood work was run yesterday).

THEN today i was working on my work and the book is written for windows users so i've had to do some 'translating' for my mac but up until now it's been pretty minor. but this chapter we learned how to open, close, amend and create files. WELL the types of files and how windows works with them is MUCH different than the ones mac's use. it took me THREE hours to 'translate' and figure out the file type to use and how to get it to work. BUT NOW IT WORKS! =)

and then on top of all that i'm stressing out about "being in the real world" after i graduate and what to do with my life. and then the general economic woes of every other jobless 21-year-old. needless to say this week hasn't been amazing. but mostly the opposite.

on a lighter note, this song is AWESOME!! it's really cool and it brings a smile to my face every time i hear it. it's by owl city. here's a youtube video someone made of the song:

things i hate right now

2009-07-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

-not knowing what to do with my life (the future not the immediate)
-having too many things i want to do with my life
-not having a job
-not knowing if i'll have a job when i get to school
-not having many options when it comes to jobs
-wanting to be at a place in my life that i'm not and won't be for awhile (aka looking too far into the future)
-the lack of a bridge to hawaii

too long

2009-07-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

it has been much too long since i have blogged and i miss it. a lot.

my life has changed. a lot. mostly on the smallest of levels. but still, it's changed.

at this moment i don't have a lot to say but hopefully in the next few days/weeks it'll all start pouring out. =)

cheers!

south afreeeeeeeca!!!

2009-02-18T00:22:00.000-08:00

no, i have not fallen off the face of the earth. though i am in south africa and life has just been so crazy the last six weeks that i haven't had a moment to sit down and blog.

i friggin' LOVE it here! it's so beautiful and amazing and hot and i think i could live here forever. the only thing that really bothers me is that there is still the socio-economic split between the whites, coloreds and blacks as a residual effect of apartheid. just about everywhere you go the black or colored people (yes that is PC here, it means mixed ethnicity between black and white or black and asian [read indian]) are the ones with the lowest jobs. they clean the streets, do the construction, do the landscaping, are maids and housekeepers, in stores/shops they are the clerks, cooks and baggers. the white people work in these establishments and professions but hold the highest jobs ie, manager, construction lead/foreman, etc. in the bars and high-end restaurants often the white people are the waiters, servers and bartenders while the black people are the bussers and security detail, occasionally you see a black person as a waiter or bartender. its saddening.

i don't have much time to elaborate on all my stories and adventures, but i will soon! cheers!

no more boxes!!!!

2008-12-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in FOREVER!

i'm home now. i moved out of my apartment and am home. r got home from russia last sunday, i picked her up from the airport and we spent three blissful days together before she had to fly home and i had to drive home. i miss her terribly but she is coming to visit on january 8th and then we are leaving to study abroad in south africa on january 15th so all will be well. =)

not much has really inspired me to blog lately. i kind of feel bad but i mean i got busy with finals and all that, and then r getting home, and then me coming back up to norcal. and i mean nothing's really been like "ooooh look! i need to blog about that!!!"

tho i did go to church today and the message did in a way hit home. not in the way the pastor meant i think tho. it was on ten promises that God made about Jesus and how they were all kept and how that proves God's faithfulness and that if any one of them hadn't come true it would have undermined God's power and greatness. and rehearing about just a few of the prophesies that were made about Christ that came true through Him really struck me. it struck me in two ways.

it made me realize how BIG God really is and how little humans have made Him seem, even Christians and pastors. God thought of EVERYTHING. He had a whole big, intricate system in place to prove the Jesus was His son and the He loved us. it was, and is, so big that you can't see the whole thing most of the time, if ever. but humans have taken God and put Him in a box, and said "this is God, right here, He fits these parameters, this is who He is and what He does." even the people who say God can't be put in a box put God in a box. i know i put Him in a box. but sitting in church it made me sad that God was in this box. i mean God, THE CREATOR, the big man, the potter, the conductor, the FATHER was in a box. to me that means two things: 1. we underestimate God and 2. we are ignorant.

the realization of how big God is led to my second realization. which is that i don't like religion BECAUSE it puts God in a box. i want a relationship with God who has no limits and has no box and has no boundaries and no definition. i want a relationship with God that depends on me allowing Him to love and control me, and me loving Him and loving others as He loves me. God is so much bigger than religion. God doesn't want me to follow a strict set of rules on how to please Him, God sent His son to intercede on my behalf so that i didn't have to follow a strict code. God wants me to love others the way He loves me. and really if i do that, if i look at every other person the way God does and love them the way He would love them, the world would be full of God's love, which is much better than just trying to please God thru acts. but religion wants me to follow strict commands, and to me that just puts God in a box, it defines what and how He can love me and how i can show His love to others. and that makes me sad, because i feel like by "losing" religion, i lose the fellowship aspect of it that is so important. (now i know that's not true, i've just got to find the right congregation and group of people, but right now i'm having a hard time seeing that)

and so with a renewed knowledge of God's unfathomable greatness and largeness and hugeness and bigness, i have decided that i need to take God out of the box i've put Him in. i need to let Him work in my life. i need to let Him do His big thing, the one i can't see. i need to read my Bible more, so that i can be more knowledgeable about God's greatness. i need to retool my vision so that i see people the way God sees them, so that i can love on them the way He would. and i need to always keep in mind that i am ignorant, and always will be ignorant, when i put God in a box and try and go it on my own.

-first way i am going to love on people the way God would: stop cussing. God would not use profanity when loving on people, they deserve better. i don't cuss a lot, but i do it too much since i do it at all.

what matters to you?

2008-12-09T13:23:00.001-08:00

i don't have time for a full post but i really like this and i hope you all go check it out!
1000 things that matter!

hmmmm

2008-12-05T21:49:00.001-08:00

so i noticed that an acquaintance of mine joined the group "1,000,000 strong to defend prop 8" on facebook. i decided i wanted to see how close to a million they were so i clicked on the group. they have 17,101 members. hmmm not too close. then i decided to see how many members the group "1,000,000 strong to overturn prop 8" had. they have 168,864 members. hmmm still not too close, but MUCH closer. now i realized that not every person in either of these groups is from california, and that most are in the age range of 16-32 but i think that those numbers say something. hmmm maybe.

home

2008-12-05T00:17:00.000-08:00

so earlier tonight i was walking to work and i was thinking about how i hadn't blogged in awhile and how i've all these great things to blog about but i keep forgetting them and then when i want to blog i have nothing to write about OR when i do have something to blog about i haven't felt like blogging cuz of the essays i've been working on. so i decided that i was going to post a personal essay i wrote about two years ago cuz it's something that i've talked with a bunch of people about in the last week-ish.

and then just now walking back from work, i looked up and saw that it was a ceiling-sky NIGHT. and i knew that i HAD to post about it cuz ceiling-sky days are rare but ceiling-sky NIGHTS are even rarer, this is only the third one i've ever seen. so yes, tonight in the OC it is a ceiling-sky night. and i'm blogging about it =)

and now for the meat of my blog, my personal essay =)

"Home is not a physical place. It is not really even a mental state of mind as it is a presence. Many people think of home as the place they lay their head at night, the physical house they live in that is their own. Others have realized that home is not that physical structure but instead “home is where the heart is” meaning that home is where the love that they have, either that they give or that is given to them, is. But even this isn’t true because that is still a physical place, space even if it isn’t permanent. Home is carried around with you, in your being, in your very soul. It isn’t always consciously present but it is always there. The people that love you affect your home, the places you feel safe affect your home, the emotions you feel at any given moment affect your home. As a child, and it is safe to say pretty much all the way through high school, we are not conscious of our home because we are around our family, typically they are the people who love us, and we are where we feel safe, typically our house, all the time, so we don’t realize we are in our home’s presence. This isn’t true for everyone, the feeling safe and being around those who love us, depending on people’s situations. But typically people who don’t feel safe in their house or feel they don’t feel love from their family, don’t feel they have a home, or that their home is elsewhere, with friends who love them or at others’ houses. This just proves that home isn’t always our own house or our own family; it isn’t physical. But it isn’t mental either, it is a presence. It is when a person leaves their comfort zone, their house or physical safe haven, their family, their friends, that they realize home isn’t a physical place. Or maybe they don’t. Home is still their physical address because that is where they feel safe and that is where the people they love and that love them are. Then college, or wherever it is that they end up going, becomes comfortable, they meet people who love them and that they love, and college begins to feel like home. But then confusion ensues. Home is still where they left, but home is also where they are. Where is home, then? It can’t be two separate places can it? It can though; it can be everywhere or nowhere, or five places or maybe just one. Home is a presence not a place. You don’t even have to be with others or be a certain place to be home. You can be by yourself and be home. You can be some random place you’ve never been before and be home. You can think of the ones you love and be home. You can think of where you feel safe and be home. Home can change. Home can come, and go. Home is a presence within each person that can only be felt by them, and can only be accessed by them, and can only be made and shaped and molded by them. Home is where the heart is, where the mind is, where the being is. Home is made up of the people and the places and the emotions and the feelings surrounding, sheltering, loving and moving though a person. Home is safe, home is warm, home is love. Home is."

hope

2008-11-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

all my thoughts

2008-11-22T10:29:00.000-08:00

ok so im ready to blog. lol. tho this might be a stupid idea as i hurt my wrist last night. wanna know how? of course you do! i have one of those three whole punches that you can keep in a binder and are meant to hole punch like 3 pages max. but one of my classes requires lots of reading out of handouts. and these are usually 5-25 pages...so of course i use the hole punch on them. =) i usually put like 6 pages in at a time and then hafta pound on it. i alternate with my fist and a karate chop. so last night i hole punched ooooo a 3.5 inch thick stack of papers...six pages at a time....so lots of pounding. i taped my wrist last night right after but took it off before bed. then i put a stronger more supportive taping on it this morning...but it still hurts a lil. but i think i'll be able to blog =)

photo shoot
so on tuesday i'm sitting on one of the fountains on our campus...like around the edge. and i see this group of like 6 kids dressed in university of kansas clothes slowly walking towards me...and a photographer in front of them. they are doing a photo shoot on my campus. and they are just walking around, sitting in random places, switching in and out (it was usually only three kids in the pic at a time). and i felt sooooo bad for them cuz it was like 85 or 90 that day (yes the hot weather is back...) and they were all modeling sweatshirts. there was a make-up artist there too who'd run up and dab them off and reapply foundation every so often. so i'm wondering "are they REAL U of kansas students or are they models?" i'm sitting on the phone trying to pay for my effing speeding ticket so i'm not gonna just ask. they eventually wander out of sight. i finally get off the phone and i have to head to a different part of campus. well that's where they are!! and now they are taking off their sweatshirts and donning notre dame stuff...this time a few of them got t-shirts. so apparently they are just models. but how does one choose which campus to do this photo shoots at? won't the students at the schools that their clothing is being model wonder why the students aren't on THEIR campus? apparently i have a really pretty college campus...so pretty it's ALL over the US on college bookstore adds! =D not that it does much good for me, except be aesthetically pleasing.

my burning stuff (warning i might go science-ese on you, but i'll try to explain everything)
so after the photo shoot encounter, i got some food and headed up to the lab i do research in. we were doing lipid extractions from plant material. and in the end we wanted to have JUST lipids in these itty bitty cupcake holders...like 1 oz of liquid. and this is liket he third time we've tried to run this extraction. and it always fails at the same point!!! we do all this fun grinding and chemical adding and rinsing and vortexing and then we filter it and we end of with a layer of lipids and an aqueous (anything water soluble) layer. we then have to put the lipid layer into the lil tin cups. and the chloroform and other chemicals mixed with the lipids are supposed to evaporate, leaving the lipids behind in the little cups.

wellllll the stupid little cups ALWAYS leak!!! which means we lose lipids and we need to be ACCURATE! so the grad assistant i work with, lo (not hi's lo), and i do the whole thing and they all leak again so we're like well lipids can melt...what if we put them in these OTHER tubs to evaporate the chloroform then heat them up to a liquid state and pour them into the little tin cups? BRILLIANT! so we go and find and set up a bunsen burner in another lab (cuz our gas isn't hooked up...) and lo had forgotten to grab the liquid nitrogen (to freeze the little cups in) so while she's getting it, i'm starting the bunsen burner (see the link if you need a visual). well the flame is HUGE and we don't need it too big so i'm trying to lower it by closing off the oxygen in let at the base (the gold thing in the pic) and the tube pops off of the bunsen burner but its still attached to the flowing gas. the flame from the bunsen burner jumps over my hand (thank goodness i wasn't wearing gloves or my hand would have been burned for sure) and just starts burning on the flowing gas out of the tube. so now the tube is on fire. and i'm like uh...SHIT!!! so i turned the gas off and all was well. but i definitely burned some of the tube.

so then lo gets back and tells me she saw thru the window what had happened and laughed. so we hook up a different bunsen burner and start attempting to melt the lipids. note: tin foil is NOT flammable, lipids are HIGHLY flammable. so lo is hold the tin tubs of lipids over the flame but she has to hold them at about eye level so she keeps getting tired and letting her arm down. the lipids are starting to melt, yay! but then she tips the tub a little to try and melt another part and she tips too far and the flame jumps into the tub and catches the lipids on fire. she throws the tub in our bucket of ice and all is well. but we decided to give up and stop trying to catch the science building on fire. lol. it was fun. i think we're gonna try melting them in a hot water bath net time, no flames involved.

"picture to burn" by taylor swift
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That's fine I'll tell mine you're gay

i was listening to the song on the radio...and this came out like two years ago and they edited it two years ago, but on the radio they say that's fine and i'm sure you won't mind if i say. and i'm torn. i love the song the way it is and that just makes it kinda stupid. but i get that by threatening to tell everyone her ex is gay taylor swift is saying being gay is an insult. i just like screaming "i'll tell mine you're gay"!!!

new stadium
so we have a new stadium, well half, they are starting to work on the other side bleachers. but anyway when i work i just sit in this van in a parking lot that faces the stadium at night. and i LOVE it that the gates are locked yet the other night i saw FIVE different people on the field or in the bleachers working out. and only two got busted...but at the end of their 20 minute run. lol

dichotomies
i hafta admit i don't remember what i wanted to write about dichotomies. but do you realize how many there are?! man/woman, male/female, masculine/feminine, gay/straight, fat/skinny, old/young, white/black, rich/poor...i could go on. but basically IN EVERYTHING you HAVE to be one or the other, you can't be somewhere in the middle, and if you are you are looked down upon, especially when it comes to sexuality and sex and gender. and i think it's just stupid. if we didn't have dichotomies, the whole world would be a much better place and way more peaceful. *sigh*

hope your eyes haven't fallen out yet. and my wrist actually feels a little better now =)

for the future

2008-11-19T00:21:00.000-08:00

i'm not in the mood to blog. but i have a bunch of ideas/things i want to blog about. here's the list so you can get excited for the future blog that will be produced about this stuff =)

-my school's new stadium and student's sneaking onto it at night
-a photo shoot that happened at my school today
-taylor swift's song "picture to burn"
-me burning stuff (but not pictures)
-dichotomies (my new favorite things!)

chapters

2008-11-16T01:15:00.000-08:00

so randomly last week or maybe the week before i talked a lot/read a lot/heard a lot about rings and engagements and stuff. and it was really interesting cuz i asked my bff what she thought was the "right" amount of time to wait in a relationship before a ring is given as a gift or a proposal is made (these are two different things but w/e). she said that she thinks only one ring should ever be given before marriage and that is the engagement ring and that you should wait at least two years. i've heard of people engaged after 4 months, i know people who got engaged after one year, i know people who have received rings on their first date AND their one year anniversary! so really is there a time that is good?

i was driving in the car tonight and i was thinking about all this, and i thinking about some other things that i had been talking to r about. and i realized that its not an amount of time that has to happen, it's chapters!! now let me explain. everyone has chapters in theirs lives, some close, some stay open, some overlap, but there are chapters. and a ring should be given during a certain chapter or even chapters depending on the relationship. and every relationship is different, in both what their chapters contain and what chapter(s) the ring giving falls into. all that should matter, when someone is thinking about giving a ring is if they are in the right chapter of their relationship. and that's the hard part...sometimes...deciding if you're in the right chapter.

it was an epiphany for me but now in words it looks lame. lol

there are fires all over down here...it's fire season what can i say. so there is ash in the air again...and the sky is turned icky brown and the sun is orange and sometimes red. don't worry for now i am safe. but my heart and prayers go out to those who are not so fortunate, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers too.

2008-11-14T00:13:00.000-08:00

i realized tonight while reading the TIME commemorative edition about obama 2 things. 1. i was sooooooo scared that obama would lose the election, i literally felt like the world might end and i am EXTREMELY relieved he is president-elect. 2. i am extremely disappointed in california and just humanity in general for being so inhumane to their fellow human-beings. i mean honestly, animals gained rights in california while LGBTs lost rights in the recent election. REALLY?! is it really more important for a chicken to be able to stand up and stretch its wings (and don't get me wrong i am ALL FOR animal rights) than it is for all humans to have equal rights? *sigh*

i just can't wait for obama to get in office, and i can't wait to see where all this fighting over prop 8 ends up. somewhere good i hope =)

BIG DAY!

2008-11-05T23:55:00.000-08:00

so this is my 100th post! and i was like i want a GOOD 100th post and this is gonna be good...well i think it is.

so barack obama won the election!!! YAY!!! i am soooooo relieved!!!

prop 8 tho...*sigh* it is passing but there are still votes to be counted and there is the possibility it will swing to the NOs!!! and i'm hoping and praying that it does!!!

BUT even tho i am feeling like a second-class citizen again, i am elated. i know a little backwards, eh? welllll i got a package from r today (more on that in a minute) and i was really happy and my roommate, em, was like "oh man you two are just so cute to each other and i love it, i'm so glad i know you." and we were just talking about how if she and another of my roommates, de, would have voted yes on 8 if they hadn't have known me (they are both republican, tho em is very open-minded). that i've been a good example, and the relationship i have with r has been really good for them to see too. and it just made my day. i came back from class this morning and they had baked me a brownie and cut it into a heart for me since 8 was passing. and it was just like awwww! i've never had someone say that to me, and just to know that i had influenced them and shown them a better and real view of the LGBT community. =)

soooooooo i was REALLY missing the way r smelled so i asked her to send me one of her t-shirts that she had been wearing so i could smell her. and i got the package today =) but she had included a plush giraffe that was like her reminder of me type thing. and it smells like her and its from gymboree (where she works) and its so soft and so cute! and it was the best surprise EVER!!! she also found a hoops and yo-yo card in russia that's IN russian and it was sooo cool. she made my prop 8 passing day sadness and anger go away and i have been smiling ever since! =D

updates on life

2008-11-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

so my mom is out of the hospital. thanks for all your support, btw! this week has been stressful cuz she was there. everything is alright, she was having stomach pains and they ended up keeping her their for observation, tests and to give her pain meds. they found she has a few stomach-tisis things going on, but the outlook is good. i'm just glad she's home. =)

yesterday was halloween! a group of us got dressed up as "the wizard of oz" characters and went trick-or-treating. i was the house that fell on the wicked witch. lol. i spray-painted a cardboard box to look like a house and hooked it to suspenders and wore it and i had a cardboard roof attached to a headband. and then i had on gray and black striped socks with red shoes, like the witches legs. i'd say about 1/3 of the people i saw got it, another 1/3 just didn't, and the last 1/3 asked and THEN got it. eh, it was fun! then i played crainium with another bunch of people. i was on a ROLL! lol. then i watched "sweeney todd." i really liked it, but it was weird. like "kill bill" weird with the REALLY fake blood, and the singing...the singing was really interesting. but it was good!

then tonight i went and saw "rachel getting married." it got reviews that were either giant Fs or giant As. i really liked it. if you are into indy movies and plots that you actually have to pay attention and think about, and not just have it handed to you, i recommend seeing it. anne hathaway plays the "main character." well one of them. she is rachel's sister, kym. rachel and kym are both the main characters, but i'd say kym was the protagonist. but both her and rosemarie dewitt (rachel) did an EXCELLENT job.

3 days until the election!!! OMIGOSH!! i'm like REALLY its here?! and then i'm like OMIGOSH!!! there is NO TIME LEFT to tell people to vote NO ON PROP 8!!! i hope the election comes fast and is just over with. but i hope it ends well, aka obama in the white house and and prop 8 not passing. =)

2008-10-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

first the bad news. my dad called me a lil while ago to tell me my mom is in the ER having blood work and CTs run on her stomach. she went into the doctor and he sent her their for the labwork cuz that was the only way to get it done immediately this time of day. but the fact that she's in the hospital has thrown me for a loop. my mom had a lot of procedures and surgeries done while i was growing up and she's been in the hospital a lot, so for me whenever she is in the hospital i'm afraid she'll have to have surgery again. and that makes me scared that there will be a complication and it just hurts me to see her in pain. so i always break down whenever she goes in to the hospital for any reason other than typical in-and-out blood work. i hate that i get this way but i guess you could say i was just kind of traumatized as a kid. i mean my parents were always open about her going in for surgery and stuff so i was always a little worried. they always assured me she'd be fine, but how would you feel if you saw your mom go into the hospital relatively healthy and come back out looking beaten and being tired and sore for weeks, sometimes months, after? and from the time you were 6? and approximately once every year and a half?

so now for some good news. my facebook status currently says "k is so in love" and my profile says that i'm in a relationship with r. and my cousin, kg, commented on my status saying "THAT IS SO AWESOME!!! I'm happy for you!!!! Woot Woot! Hopefully, one day, I'll get to meet the lucky lady! :)" and i KNOW that kg looks thru my pix and we send each other stuff and say hey and all that but i've never come out to her. and it was just so funny to get that, cuz i was planning on sending her an email coming out to her today cuz the other day i realized that she MUST know and she's my closest cousin, almost like a sister sometimes, and i know she is the most open of all my mom' side of the family so why not come out to her first? lol. so i wrote her a message telling her basically all of what i just said and coming out to her. and she sent me back saying i had made her cry and how she was happy and how she had known for a few weeks now and how she loves me and how she is totally open, and basically it was all good. i knew it would be but its just always good when you come out to someone and they are really warm about it. and kg's the first person in my extended family i've come out to, well other than the cousins my rents had to come out to when we were in DC, and it was just good to finally start coming out to all of my extended family. =)

the princess

2008-10-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. she was the most beautiful being in all the land. her name was riley.

one day, a horse and rider appeared on the horizon. as the horse drew near, riley sat at her window watching.

once under her window, the rider dismounted and pulled her helmet off. riley gasped as her eyes fell upon the one she knew she would spend the rest of her life with.

the rider looked up at riley, smiled and called up to her, "come down! join me on my adventure!"riley immediately ran down to meet the stranger.

when she got down to the horse, the rider swept riley into her arms and kissed her passionately. "i love you" the rider said then helped riley onto her horse.

the rider mounted behind riley and the two beautiful women rode off into the sunset together.

uh...ok? really?

2008-10-22T18:03:00.001-07:00

so here's an idea...let's all join with our mothers and join the army reserves! the mom actually SAYS that since her and her daughter will be together that she'll be able to keep an eye on her daughter. i dunno i feel like if you join the army, that your mom shouldn't be there to keep an eye on you. i read an article yesterday about colleges building all freshman communities that have live-in professors and how its cool for the education but that they sell it to the parents as a way to keep an eye on the kids. the article outright states that parents aren't letting their kids go anymore, much different than a few decades ago when parents just kinda kicked their kids out the door to college. and this article just reiterates that.

i mean my parents do still take care of me because for them supporting me through college has always been their goal of being good parents, among other things of course. but my parents are very much "oh you got a ticket? go deal with it...you overdrew your bank account? you need to figure out how to fix it." they expect me to take care of myself and learn to be responsible, and i am, in my opinion.

moms should not be joining the army reserves with their daughters to keep an eye on them. i'm sorry but i think that this is just crazy, a spectacle almost. i wonder what people are gonna think of the army if they find out. i dunno it jsut makes em think of that hillary duff movie...cadet kelly...she's not totally babied, but that's just how i picture this going down. *shakes head*

masculinity

2008-10-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

so i'm taking a course this semester called sociology of sex and gender and we've been learning about how sex and gender are different and how there is a continuum for both etc. the first half of the semester was more about female sex and gender and we've moved now into more of the male sex and gender. and so we've been reading articles on masculinity. we've read a few chapters of full frontal feminism by jessica valenti (i think i'm gonna buy the book, i LOVE it) and they are really great. today i read the chapter titled "boys do cry." it talks about how society raises boys and teaches them how to be masculine.

and it made me think about my own sexuality and my own masculinity/femininity and how i try and "portray" myself. i am female, i mostly identify as female, but i have male tendencies. and i do strive to be more masculine, but i try to be "good" masculine. well, i try and integrate the features that society deems masculine that i prize into my own image, i don't try to feminize them, but by societies standards they are male features.

to quote valenti "back in the day, being a man meant taking care of your family and having a good job and all that." and now michael kimmel's "rules of manhood" (as valenti quotes him): "no sissy stuff, that's the first rule. you can never do anything that even remotely hints of femininity. the second rule is to be a big wheel. you know, we measure masculinity by the size of your paycheck, wealth, power, status, things like that. the third rule is to be a sturdy oak. you show that you're a man by never showing your emotions. and the fourth rule is give 'em hell. always go forward, exude an aura of daring and aggression in everything you do."

i grew up playing hardball with the boys. i was the only girl who played for 4th thru 6th grades. i would have continued to play hardball at the next level if the coach of the only team in the area wasn't such an arrogant, sexist @$$hole that basically told me i'd never play a game if i played for him, though i was better than half his team. and having played for 7 years with boys, i learned to act like a boy. i learned to suck it up and throw an insult. i learned how to be bigger, stronger, better just so i could hold my own. and i enjoyed it. i WANTED to be stronger, i WANTED to be a "big wheel," i WANTED to "give 'em hell." i imagine that part of that was me conforming to how society raises boys, and part of it was me holding my own, but i wouldn't have lasted that long if i didn't enjoy it. it was honestly a shock to switch to softball and not have to have the "give 'em hell" attitude. but i was definitely stronger...i started in the under-16 division as a 13 year-old, and i was still the "big wheel."
but for me, i want to be the strong one, i want to be the protector, the provider, the sturdy oak. i guess i want to be the white knight. i believe in chivalry...and perform it multiple times a day, and i want to be the protector and the one seen to have strength. to me being the "male" (and i don't mean just in a relationship, but just my persona) is to provide, protect, be chivalrous and strong.

but at the same i was raised a girl, i was forced to wear dresses at least two times a year (easter and christmas) and when high school rolled around i become aware that i looked like a boy and was afraid i'd be seen as a lesbian (HA!) so i became more girly.

reading the chapter though, really made me think about my childhood and upbringing. i was influenced as both a boy and a girl and its interesting how i came out. lol. i mean i identify female, but i'm not girly. and i view myself as more masculine in relation to girls. i guess on the continuum i fall towards the male end of femininity, but i'm not androgynous...or am i?
i unno. i feel like after all of this i've almost muddled myself. i know how i feel and how i identify but trying to explain it was harder than i thought.

society is lame with all of it's dichotomies. moral of the story right there.

fall is FINALLY (?) here!!!

2008-10-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

leaves are starting to fall, people have halloween decorations up, the temperatures aren't in the 90's anymore. today was COLD! yay!

this the third time fall has started to be here tho, so don't hold your breath that it's ACTUALLY here...*rolls eyes*

joann and steve...part 3

2008-10-17T00:48:00.000-07:00

then..."TAP! TAP! TAP!" steve and his friends were startled. they turned to find the source of the tap, tap tapping and found a huge tank of lobsters staring back at them. the oldest, most beat up lobster, who was missing one eye looked down at them. steve was not sure what to do next...

the one-eyed lobster asked steve and his friends what in the world they were doing scootching around the store. steve told the lobster the mission they were on, but how they were lost now since none of them had ever been outside the produce section before.

it turned out that the one-eyed lobster had tried to escape a few times from the store, and knew his way around. he offered his help to steve, who gladly accepted. steve wondered how the one-eyed lobster was going to get out of the tank though.

in the blink of an eye, all the other lobsters in the tank stacked up on top of one another, forming a staircase to the top of the tank. then the one-eyed lobster scurried up the stairs and hopped out of the tank, landing with a THUD on the floor.

the one-eyed lobster scurried over to steve and his friends and said that it would be faster if they hopped on his back and he carried them. so steve crawled up onto the one-eyed lobster's head, followed by the tomato and the apple. then the banana hopped on top of the tomato and apple so that they would all fit.

the one-eyed lobster scurried up and down aisles, left and right, under carts and around little kids. he was moving much faster than steve had ever moved and steve was starting to get sick. but then up ahead steve saw...

...a BRILLIANT light! it was the produce section! steve's heart gave a leap as the one-eyed lobster scurried towards the onion barrel. steve could see joann sitting at the top, looking quite sad. but when she saw steve a huge smile broke out on her face.

the one-eyed lobster stopped next to the onion barrel and all the produce items disembarked. steve smiled up at joann, who was smiling right back. but then steve's smile began to fade...how would he get up and into the onion barrel? pickles can hop, but not that high.

the one-eyed lobster, steve, joann, the tomato, the apple and the banana all sat thinking about how steve could get to joann. they had already come this far, there must be a way to get steve up there. then AH-HA! joann had an idea.

if the one-eyed lobster lifted his tail, and the apple balanced on top of it, and the tomato balanced on top of the apple, and the banana balanced on top of the tomato then steve could hop up them and into the onion barrel.

so the one-eyed lobster lifted his tail, and the apple balanced on top of it, and the tomato balanced on top of the apple, and the banana balanced on top of the tomato. then steve carefully hopped up, up , up until he could hop into the onion barrel. all the friends cheered as steve and joann finally got to see each other face to face.

joann asked steve how he had gotten to her. steve told her of his adventures and how he had met the tomato, the apple, the banana, and the one-eyed lobster. they were smiling and laughing when all the sudden...

a hand reached out and picked up joann. she was put into a plastic bag and into a shopping cart. then the same hand picked up steve and put him into a bag and into the same shopping court. the one-eyed lobster, the tomato, the apple and the banana looked on in horror as joann and steve were carted off.

joann and steve looked at each other through the plastic, not knowing what was going to happen next. then suddenly they were picked up and put into another bag, this one was much darker and much bigger.

but joann and steve were happy, because they were together at last.

joann and steve...part 2

2008-10-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

YES! the cart stopped RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEVE! steve hopped onto the seat of the cart. he scootch, scootch, scootched acrossed the seat. he then hopped up onto the edge of the cart and was about to hop into the onion barrel when the cart moved.

steve fell to the floor and rolled a bit. when he stopped rolling he looked up and didn't know where he was. then someone picked steve up and carried him away. steve couldn't see where he was going but when the person put him down he found himself on a table in a dimly lit room.

also on the table were an apple, a banana and a tomato. all had small bruises or cuts on them. steve told them what had happened and how he just wanted to talk to joann. the other fruit wanted to help steve talk to joann, so they all develop a plan for how to escape.

steve and his friends realized that they would have to wait for someone to go in or out of the door right next to them, and then run out the door. so they all hopped down off the table and waited for the door to swing open, then the four friends scootched out the door.

once outside they looked around and didn't recognize anything. they were lost. where was the produce section? they could not see it!

joann and steve...part 1

2008-10-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

so i read this article for one of my sociology classes about how PMS makes women more creative. PMS typically occurs the week before a woman's period. well i'm "PMSing" and i'm in a waaaaaaaaaaaaaay creative mood. and on saturday r had me make up a story for her over the phone. at the end she said it should be turned into a children's book. so i'm going to put it here...but in parts...or maybe i'll finish it now, i dunno. here goes. (o ps- i made her tell me two characters to start with: an onion and a pickle...and names? joann and steve)

once upon a time, there was a pickle named steve and an onion named joann. steve and joann lived in the produce section at a grocery store. steve lived under the mist, and joann lived in a barrel across the aisle from him (because onions can't get wet, so she couldn't live under the mist).

each morning joann and steve woke up, looked across the aisle, waved and said, "good morning! hello!" each morning steve wished that he could actually talk to joann. he wished he could say something other than "good morning! hello!"

many days went by and joann and steve grew sad that they could not talk to each other. one day steve realized that if he hopped into one of the baskets he could scootch (pickles have no legs so they must scootch) across the seat and then hop into joann's barrel.

that very day steve was sitting under the mist when he saw a little old woman pushing a cart slowly towards him. so very slowly. PERFECT! the little old lady was about to stop in front of steve. here it came, slowly, slowly...

life is humbling

2008-10-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

so sorry that i haven't posted in awhile. i got busy with school and then my laptop was having problems so i had to take it into mac and leave it for a week. i got it back on thursday tho! yay!

so a bunch has been happening lately. almost too much to write so i'll just throw highlights out.
-my school's QSA has been working on NO on Prop 8 stuff and we are making t-shirts, hopefully to be ordered on wednesday. they will be cool, i will post i pic once we get them.
-QSA had also been working on a national coming out day event, it went pretty good
-this year i'm the QSA treasurer and it's really helped me to be more open in QSA and on campus and i feel like that openness has helped me make new friends, yay!
-last weekend was gay days at disneyland!!!
-i went through safe space training on friday and it was really exciting for me. since i've come out and have become completely comfortable with being out and open, i have wanted to be someone that anyone who is going thru the coming out process can turn to and ask questions, talk to, or just model after and safe space was what i was looking for
-i've had a cold/cough for a week now...=( i'm starting to get over it tho =)
-i have been in pursuit of new music and i have found some...to be shared later =)

mk so something too big to just be highlighted. so i have been expanding my friend group/making new friends this year. i grew apart and away from my crew friends as a result of no longer rowing. i still see two of the girls around and say hey and catch up but that's about it. and then it feels like my close friends are all abroad or graduated and this kind of left me with just about no one. so this semester i have been making new friends. and as such have been hanging out with them a bunch. there are five main ones, mo, bk, af, n and c. all are girls and all are queer in some way. mo has a bf but considers herself fluid, bk is bi, af is lez, c and n are "people lovers." c and n were also a couple.

so last weekend was gay days at disneyland and me, bk, c, n, and to of their friends hung out at DL for most of the day. and then on friday night me and bk went over to c and n's apartment and we played crainium and watched a movie. then yesterday the four of us went and saw "nick and norah's infinite playlist" (ps-GO SEE IT!). then later in the evening bk and i had planned on going to see peachy keene play some sets at the coffee shop next to bk's apartment. on my way over to bk's i get a text from n asking if she could join us. so she came over to bk's apartment and we all hung out for a while, sipping wine, playing with the cats and waiting for peachy keene to come on. n seemed really down and one of us (bk or i) asked where c was. and n tells us she's at home and that they broke up. bk and i were like wha...what?! we talk about it for a lil bit and just let it die. then we head over to see if peachy keene is on...not till 9. so we hung around for awhile and then we went and saw peachy keene. they were amazing as expected. lol. n had never seen them and it was bk's second time. love all around! bk and n wanted to go out drinking after and bk was like "oh there's this bar you'll be able to get into just not order or drink." so we walk to it and its too crowded so they won't let me in. and bk and n are like we're not just gonna ditch you. so i became DD and drove everyone to a pub across town where we knew i could get in. they each ordered beer and i had a pot of english tea. the very effeminate teacup made me feel SOOOO manly. lol. afterwards bk and i took n home and got her into bed. it was sad tho cuz c and n live together and c had moved most of her stuff to the living room, she was out tho. then bk and i each got home safe.
seeing n being really down and just hearing all that her and c had gone/were going through just reminded me that all relationships need to be nurtured and taken care of. and it just made me REALLY miss r. and it just made me think about how fragile everything is in life and how easy things break. life is short, play hard, love fiercely, and take care of the ones that mean the most!

THIS is peachy keene!!

CORRECTION:
this post was started at 11:15am...my computer spazzed out again and i couldn't finish till now. i had to take my computer in and they are opening it up AGAIN!!! hopefully this time they'll get the problem. so i'm on my roommate's computer again...it's missing the B key so i have a flower button in it instead. lol

emotional dichotomy

2008-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

this is sooooooooo full of lies!!!! ALL lies!!! and it makes me angry!!! i don't care if you want to make an ad for or against anything but don't fill it with blatant lies!!!

THANK YOU!!!!

so not only is THIS upsetting me but my roommate is 150% for mccain and goes on and on about it. and im all for having your own opinion and expressing...plus i dont like to debate so i dont say much. she and i have talked about it but she always starts to debate so i just stop. she says she is fine with others expressing their opinions but whenever i talk about obama she gets on me and against him.

GRRR!!!

i got accepted by the program in south africa to study there next semester! yay! but my parents are worried about unrest and me having to be pulled out and so they have all these questions about money and don't want me to send my intent to enroll yet. *sigh*

i was so scared of talking to my parents about r after what happened when we were in DC. i felt like they didn't want us together. not only that but that they'd be upset if we did get back together. well i told them. they are both concerned that i'll be on an emotional roller coaster. but they didn't flip. which was good. so i'm glad there.

playing with fire

2008-09-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

that's what the US is gonna do if they elect john mccain. did you see the debate? what about katie couric's interview with sarah palin? *shakes head* *bangs head against the wall*
i miss hillary clinton. i would be way more fervent for the democrats if she was the candidate. i'm voting for barack obama so that mccain won't be in office. not necessarily because i'm in love with him.

so friday night my friend, bk, and i went to see some sets at a local music venue. mainly we went to go see peachy keene. they are really good, check 'em out!! afterwards we were heading back to school and there was a road block cuz of a baseball game. so we had to turn right. there were flares and we were like OOO we should steal one!!! (non-lit of course) so we drove around the block and came back and were gonna do a chinese fire drill and grab one...but we couldn't cuz the light was green and there was a car behind us. so we drove around again, this time the light was red but were too far back for it to work. so we drove around again. it was PERFECT. and i chickened out, i was the driver so yea...i just went. bk made fun of me and it made me have to prove her wrong so i drove around again. once again it was perfect. but the non lit flare had caught so we had to just go. we ended up driving to this huge billboard of kate walsh for "private practice." i really wanted to climb up and kiss kate walsh and take a picture. but i couldn't figure out how to get up the ladder to pull it down. so i just jumped around like a dork and bk took pictures.

then tonight, i met up with a few friends at the beach and we had a bonfire. we roasted turkey dogs and marshmallows...and grapes and salt and vinegar chips. FYI, if you put a grape in the fire it expands causing the skin to split and shrivel off. then the grape starts sweating and continues to expand. then the log fell on it and we don't know what happens next. but its fun to watch. we also roasted one on a stick and the same thing happens and when you eat it it tastes like a mix between a raisin and a grape.

the other day one of my friendship bracelets from camp fell off. it actually made me very upset; it was the one that was made by one of my favorite campers. she had even told me that i was her favorite counselor and has emailed me a few times. but when a friendship bracelet falls off you get to make a wish. and my wish came true five days later. =) now r and i are back together and i have six wishes left. =D

stuff

2008-09-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

first something funny...

then something musical...

and now something wonderful...

sigh

2008-09-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

so this past weekend i went home to visit. on saturday my dad and my little brother left for scout camp, so it was just my mom and i for most of the weekend. on sunday we got up and went to church. and on one hand it was great and on the other i was not pleased. i LOVED the songs we sang, i felt really connected to God while we sang. but the sermon was what upset me. apparently they've been doing a series on important priorities in life and this week was on marriage, so they had two married couples come up and the pastor asked them questions about their marriages and how God was in them and challenges, etc. but before the panel started the pastor did a little intro. this is what he said: "i am fully aware as we begin our talk on this subject, on this next life priority that there are all kinds of people here, gathered, that have been hurt deeply, who have been wounded, who are living through broken marriages. or perhaps whom God has never sent a person for you to share life with in marriage, maybe God has designed you to be single. i believe that God does do that, and its a great gift for you to be a single person. and i want to affirm you as your pastor, that's a great place to live and be. God can use you in many ways that He can't use a married person. and so in our body filled with grace we affirm that. i also know that there are those of you who have struggled with your sexuality. and we want you to hear a grace-filled Word today because this is not a place, we are not a people of condemnation. and we know that God, Himself is not a God of condemnation. Jesus himself said that God so loved the world, right, that He gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life. for God did not send His son to condemn the world, no, but to save the world through him. so we have a message this morning of hope, a message this morning of healing and reconciliation. it is a good, healthy message that we preach. but i would not be fulfilling my pastoral duty to you to preach the whole council of God's word if i did not tell you that God, in His good design, and as part of His unchanging and perfect word for us, has something in store that is good and right. He created it, you can read it for yourself in genesis chapter 2, that He created a complimentary relationship: one man, one woman in union together to bring Him glory, to sharpen, and challenge and encourage and help each other out in marriage. that this is a holy and sacred thing. in our culture today, you know that many people are having this debate, this dialogue and the sad thing is the church has thrown condemnation on people who are struggling with it, who are outside of Christ. that's not who we are as a people, we are better than that. we are about preaching grace and hope and redemption and healing. and the great truth is, God has designed marriage to be between one man and one woman in holy union for his glory, praise God for that..." (you can hear the WHOLE sermon here http://www.bridgescc.org/ just click podcasts and choose "climbing partners" when you get to the itunes store)

when the pastor got to the part about sexuality, both my mom and i bristled. i bristled cuz i didn't know where he was going to go with that. and i'm pretty sure my mom bristled cuz it is something that is weighing very heavily on her heart. (please pray for her, to help her though this very rough time she is having.) she told me that there was a petition of some sort through one of her home school groups about banning same-sex marriage, i imagine it is one of those ones that gets sent to the governator, and she couldn't sign it. not because it would deny me rights but because she just couldn't. but she is going through a lot with me having come out. she feels she has no one to turn to cuz most of her friends are christian home schoolers of the right-wing persuasion. and for the record my mom is just to the right of the fence, she is not super conservative, but she isn't liberal, she's more moderate than most christians but still conservative. so we had talked about that before church. and i know she is afraid of someone in the home school group finding out and then there being repercussions on her or my brother or both. and i do feel bad that my mom is having to go through that, but i cannot live in the closet, i do not blatantly tell her home school friends when i'm around them but i have already decided that if the issue comes up i am going to defend myself as best i can without coming out. so anyway. we both bristled. and at first i thought he handled it relatively well...i stayed for the service cuz i could feel God telling me to just stay put and not leave, and that He loves me...but listening to the sermon again to type it out i realized, he was just blurring words so as to appear neutral, but not really. i mean just read it. we should not condemn, but some Christians have "thrown condemnation on people who are struggling with it, who are outside of Christ." got that everyone? we are outside of Christ. i missed that memo.

and then just how he kept going on about marriage being between a man and a woman and all that. i just really felt like he was telling me that i'm a sinner, outside of Christ and but don't worry! God loves me and he doesn't condemn, He saves. you're right He saves! He saved me! but guess what?! He made me too! and everything He makes is perfect and i am perfectly made!!! and i am NOT a sinner for being queer, i am who He made me to be! and He LOVES me for being who He made me to be!

and then last night at our QSA meeting, one of the girls walked in late. she is a queer christian and she had been at a church just off campus, i dunno why but she was. and she came in carrying a Bible with a marker in it. she told us that she had just been at the church and that they had told her that she is a sinner, demon-possessed and showed her in their Bible where it says all that and gave her the Bible so she can read it. hey guys! the verse you gave (in romans) is misinterpreted! and guess what!? she's a christian too! way to show God's love. i thought about checking that church out, but never mind.

*sigh* WHY?! why can't christians just love each other and everyone else? and why do they hafta get all caught up in the rules and regulations of the Bible when its true message is of Jesus and God's love for us and its message of how we need to love each other in the way that God and Jesus love us?

the other night a friend of mine, mo, and i had a really great discussion about spirituality. we were both raised in christian homes, mine a wee tad more conservative than hers. but we have both gone on this journey of rejection of christianity and acceptance of other religions and we've both had the realization that spirituality is the way to go. we both believe that there is a higher being and that our relationship with that higher being is a personal one not one that needs to be approved of by the rest of the world. she considers herself agnostic. i consider myself christian. and for me it is because christianity is supposed be based on the teachings of Christ, and Christ taught to love one another and to live like him. and he lived through love. every decision and action he made was based on loving others, both as a human being and as an agent of God. and i want to be JUST like him. i want to be able to make every single one of my decisions and actions reflect my love for others. that is why i consider myself a christian, that and i accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and not just agnostic. but i just don't get why christians get so caught up in everything else that they forget about Jesus' example and how we are supposed to live to be like him.

"The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your actions will be."
-Katherine Mansfield

commentary on some readings

2008-09-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

so we all need to paint our roofs white. it will help reflect heat back to the atmosphere and decrease global warming. its true. and i think it'd be cool if all these houses had white roofs.

so when i read this i was like "great, another texas raid mishap." but then i actually read the article. and this is like serious brainwashing and cult stuff!!! and it's really sad.

ok so i didn't really do a lot of commenting. but those were some interesting things i saw that i wanted to share. and now i will leave you with one of my favorite artists and a REALLY cute video someone made. =)

do you know where YOUR heart is?

2008-09-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
-OneRepublic

i have learned that taking risks leads to mistakes which leads to lessons learned and realizations. risk: getting drunk. mistake: making out with a friend that is one of r's sorority sisters. lessons learned: don't get drunk with someone who is ALSO craving physical affection. and also that guinness and harps are REALLY good beers. realizations: i love r. and i hurt her. and unless someone comes along and God strikes me over the head with lightning, i'm not ready for anything. r still has my heart. and i'm ok with that.
i know where my heart is. i almost traded it for something "better," then realized that that was a mistake. i know where my love is. and i'm way more at peace than i was last week. the peace that comes when i've prayed and made a decision, and i know its the right one.

TOOOOOO FUNNY!!!

2008-09-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

things are changing

2008-09-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Things have changed for me, and that's okay
I feel the same, I'm on my way, and I say
Things have changed for me, and that's okay…
-panic! at the disco

things have changed. r and i broke up and stayed friends. it was hard and still is. but we both believe that if we are meant to be together it'll happen. that left me torn between what to do...do i sit and wait for fate to hit me? or do i move on and fear losing or hurting r? well i realized that i can't sit and wait for fate to hit me. i can't live in my future, cuz who knows what the future holds. i have to live in the present. feel the same. i still feel like if r and i are meant to be together it'll happen. i'm on my way. but i'm moving on and living in the present. things have changed but i'm ok with them now.

now if only SHE (i don't mean r) would see this the way i see this...;)

addition

2008-09-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

i was going thru my phone today and i found a draft i had written while at arlington national cemetery. so back story: the white markers at ANC are standard for anyone who is a military veteran of any US war. on the front is their name, birth to death, and rank. their family members can also be buried their but in the same plot (husband is 9 feet down, wife 6 feet, child 3 feet) and they are recorded on the back as "his wife," "her husband," "his daughter," etc. there are quite a few headstones with "his wife" or "her husband" marked on them. and as we were on the tour driving by them i realized that NONE of the headstones currently, and i imagine won't for a long time, say "his husband" or "her wife." it made me very sad. but its the reality of our government and our military. both r and i had looked into joining the air force, but neither of us could for different reasons. but what if we had? and what if either of us ever got married (not that the government would allow it) and then died in war? what would happen to our spouses?

i think i'm FINALLY coming to the realization of all that i am denied as a queer person. and it angers me. especially as a Christian. we are supposed to love everyone. not be haters. that was pretty much a really lame protest but right now i am just so saddened by it all that i can't make a better one.

the infamous DC post

2008-08-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

so this is gonna be a looooooooooong post. but there’s gonna be PICTURES!!! and tho i don’t profess to be a great writer, nor even a good one, you should read all of it!! hopefully i WILL be good tho, but if in the end you feel that you were forced to read a bunch of crap, feel free to leave nasty comments and i won’t judge you =)

so back to subtitles since this is a mismatched post

morro bay, ca
so it was quite a shock for all of us counselors to all the sudden not see each other after having been the main part of each others’ lives for 7 weeks. so of course we decided that it was needed that we all take a vacation together. one of the girl’s family has a beach house in morro bay so 7 of us went down to it and stayed from wednesday thru friday. it was soooooooo fun. especially since the average age was 20 but we had enough alcohol to last the 7 of us an entire week. (i admit it, i do drink occasionally, though it is not my style to get smashed drunk like many of my friends.) the first night just about all of us got anywhere from buzzed to sloppy drunk. i was only buzzed and then cut myself off half way thru the night. we went down to the beach and it was soooooooooo beautiful with all the stars in the heavens. God has a great way of putting your life into perspective. i mean the stars look like they are soooo tiny and that it would be easy for anyone of us to just pluck one out of the sky, when in reality they are HUGE and we are not even the size of a speck of flea dander compared to them. one of the counselors, kiwi, and i had started to form a friendship the last few weeks of camp and we broke off from the group and walked up and down the beach talking. we ended up walking up and down the beach for 4 hours and then going up the wrong part of the beach and getting lost before finding the house again. we had some great conversation and learned a lot about each other.

the next day we all went to san luis obispo to go to the farmer’s market. it wasn’t till 6pm tho so we ended up just walking around downtown for the afternoon. the farmer’s market was sooooo good. it smelled amazing, and like hawaii, because there was a ton of tuberose being sold. and there was a ton of really good food. AND there were THREE LGBT or ally booths!!! and there were ton of people it was just amazing. that night everybody drank again, except kiwi and i. we all wanted to go to the beach so we headed down to the beach but then we got there and everybody else was like no “i wanna go have a dance party” so kiwi and i continued to the beach and everyone else went back. again we walked up and down the beach for about four hours. when we got back to the house everyone had piled into the tiniest room and fallen asleep. so kiwi and i shared the king size bed in the next room over. the next day we all left and went home. on the way home another one of the counselors texted and asked what was up with kiwi and i. i told her that i think kiwi is hot and all but nothing, cuz she has a boyfriend and that’s a line i’m not going to cross. but since then kiwi and i have hung out a couple of times and it seriously seems like she is into me, like she has feelings for me but doesn’t know what to do with them. she knows i’m queer so its not like that’s a secret or anything. but my bff and the few people i’ve told say that they see the same thing. she’s coming down here next weekend with a friend to visit me and another friend she has here. i’m thinking about telling her that i’m into her. to kinda make the first move but then leave it in her court and let her decide what to do. yup…

the wedding
a family friend got married the weekend before DC. i wore dress pants, a nice shirt, and vest. i like to think i looked like ellen but taller, younger and with more hair. speaking of ellen, OMIGOSH!!! her and portia were sooooo beautiful on their wedding day!! i want a wedding just like theirs!! and on that note. i’m going to post about marriage equality later…but yea. so the groom’s older sister was there with her girlfriend and then there was me. is it not relatively obviously that i’m queer by wearing that? i actually had a guy asked me to dance. i did. it was to “your song” by elton john. i LOVE that song but prefer the ewan macgregor version. so did he. except he didn’t know the words. and he was beyond a lil tipsy, and he was just…out there. it was an interesting dance to say the least.

washington, DC
i left for DC tuesday morning after spending most of the night with kiwi on top of the tallest hill where i live watching the perseids meteor shower. we got into DC really late. the next morning we got up and went to this restaurant called trio’s. on the way the to café, i was VERY pleased to see that we were two buildings over from HRC (i’m not sure if its headquarters or not tho cuz i thot headquarters was in NYC) and then the restaurant we went to was in the gay area of town, basically the castro of DC. after a long day visiting all the monuments we walked back thru the area and ate at a whole foods that had more gay men than fresh fruits and vegetables. it was sooooo comforting to know where in the town we were staying cuz whenever i go on vacay with my family i always feel cut off from anyone who i can really talk to openly. so to be in the presence of LGBTs while on vacay made EVERYTHING better.

the trip to DC was really awesome cuz it was so full of history. three things really made me in awe tho: an excerpt from lincoln’s speech that is etched on the wall in the Lincoln memorial, one of the jefferson quotes etched on a wall in the jefferson memorial, and the holocaust museum.

so at lincoln memorial, i read this and was like “whoa” cuz i felt like it applied to LGBTs and the unequal treatment we have against us. starting in the first picture with “the almighty has his own purposes” lincoln is saying that maybe things like slavery God actually wanted to happen for a reason, for some reason. but that sometimes those things outlast the length of time they are meant to occur and then they must be put to an end. well what if that is how it is for LGBTs? maybe God planned for unequal and unfair, to say the least, treatment of us. maybe He has a reason. i personally think that as lincoln said about slavery, unequal rights and treatment of LGBTs has outrun its course, and it is time for it to stop. one can only imagine God’s reasoning for anything. but one thing i came up with for both slavery and LGBT rights is that humans are ignorant. white people believe blacks were inferior because they were not as advanced, which meant they were to be slaves: ignorance. straight people do not fully understand queers and believe that they are sinners. christians believe that homosexuality is a sin based on scriptures from the Bible, all but one of which have been proven to been mistranslated and misunderstood: ignorance. so maybe God knew that humans would be ignorant and that certain atrocities would have to occur until their ignorance subsided.

and mr. jefferson agrees. the human mind has advanced. our understanding of genetics, linguistics, gender and sexuality, what is humane and right, and even love have all advanced. but our laws have not. LGBTs still face discrimination and unjust laws even though the human mind and understanding has progressed.

at the holocaust museum the exhibit talked about what happened to the groups other than the jews, mainly the jehovah’s witnesses, gypsies, and homosexuals. i realize the holocaust was mostly against the jews and i was devastated by the inhumanity of it all, but every time i read about what was happening to the homosexuals (it was a chronological exhibit) i had so much anxiety and fear and…i don’t even know how to describe it, i imagine it is how all jewish people feel whenever they read about the holocaust, but not to the same degree.

besides running off, DC was really great. i really enjoyed being there and the whole city thing grew on me. and on the note of running off, part of the reason i did it was because i felt i needed to stand up to my parents at some point. and though that probably wasn’t the way to do it, i did, and i feel so much more…i dunno. i know i can do it now. and though it was a huge mistake, i’m glad it happened.

NYC
so the thursday of vacay i took amtrak up to NYC to visit a and her gf, c, that go to NYU. it was a REALLY great day. i fell IN LOVE with NYC. i would really love to live there someday, but only for like a year, i don’t think i could handle any longer since i love nature and the mountains and the open country so much. a and c showed me all around the village and took me to the stonewall inn. it was a very enjoyable day.

marriage equality

i saw this online first, and then on TV. online it kinda hurt, but on TV it hit really hard. what if that day comes? what if i DON’T get to marry the one i love because of a stupid law? i realized the other day that it did hurt when i wasn’t able to get married like every other person, then i could and i was ecstatic. i mean i had no plans on getting married then, but i COULD. but now that the possibility of having that right taken away from me is there, and even eminent, makes me very upset and sad. its almost like the person i love is being taken away from me RIGHT now, even if i haven’t met them yet. i think i’ll be more upset if i lose the right to marry than i was ecstatic to finally have it.

just today

2008-08-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

ok i'm a liar...lol...this week has been so hecktic i haven't had a chance to finish my DC blog. i had a blog thought today though so i'm going to blog that then go write my DC blog and post it.

so i got an email saying that i had received a package so i took my email and my ID down to the package room to pickup my package. i turned the corner and saw who was sitting at the window and stopped for a millisecond before recovering. it was m, a friend of r's. you see, m had really hurt r, on an emotional level. r and m had been really good friends our freshman year and r opened up to m and sometime in the middle of the fall semester last year m basically gave r the cold shoulder and told her to leave her alone. m knew that r and i were going out cuz she saw us together a lot, and i've ssen her around and she always look at me with a mix between scared and having a knowing look. i've always thought that what m did was a very unfriendlike thing to do, on the verge of b****y. i haven't heard her side of the story but i don't think that r did anything to make m do what she did. so i've always kind of been upset with m for hurting r even though i've never even met her.

so it was a lil awkward when i picked up my package today because we both just stopped at first and looked at each other and bristled. then we were overly nice to each other but you could tell we knew who the other was. walking back to my apartment i realized that i was judging this person who i'd never actually met. we are not supposed to judge others, as Jesus didn't judge us. so why do i keep judging m? because she hurt someone i love before i even knew them. just walking out on a friend is not ok, but judging someone else isn't either, especially when you don't even know their story. so i've decided that i am going to stop judging m.

quickie

2008-08-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

so....i KNOW i said i'd blog about DC and a lot of other stuff last thursday BUT i came home wednesday and left for school on friday and had NO time to blog. i started the blog, but its on my laptop so i can't work on it right now, even though i have 35 minutes before my first class.

i guess i can blog about the initial getting to school/move-in stuff. like school starts today, omigosh!!! and i have an apartment this semester so that's pretty cool. art, my betta, has friends now cuz the girls that live in the other room each have a betta and they all have the same tank just different colors so they are all on this cool end table thing we have in the living room and it looks really neat, i should take a pic for y'all to see. my roommate (there's two rooms, two people each room, and a living room and a kitchen) is ok. r know's her cuz they both live in HI near each other and met at a 'we're all from HI and go to CU' event. so r had told me how my roommate, c, is. she's very sweet and everything, she just says things like 3 times in a row and is kinda timid. she's always like "is that alright? is that ok?" and i'm like yea go ahead we share the room, just don't burn the place down or ruin my stuff and i'm happy. but we get along so...and then my apartment-mates, e and d, are pretty cool. d and i rowed for a lil together first semester of freshman year so we knew each other. e seems nice, but she is a lil assertive for my taste. i'll get used to her though. funny story about her though. her and d are for sure christians and i knew this. and everyone knew about r last year so they all know i'm queer. so saturday i was unpackign some stuff and e and d were looking up where a store was and e was like: oh that's right by church and i asked: oh where do you guys go to church? i've been looking for a good one around here. e (sorta surprised, because ya know 'queer' and 'christian' aren't usually used to described the same person): name of church. me: o cool! i've heard about there but i haven't been able to go yet. e (very enthusiastic in the way christians can be when they invite a non-believer to church...i know i do it occasionally): you should come with us! me: i'd love to! so yea...TOTALLY caught her off guard that i'm queer AND want to go to church, well am a christian, but i dunno if she realizes that yet.

my family came down to help me move-in and we've gone to disneyland a lot this weekend. we met up for breakfast this morning before i have class. i dunno why but this time around i'm very emotional about them leaving. like i told my mom, i feel like i'm not going to see them again, which is kind of irrational but its also kind of one of those premonition feelings and i don't like it. i believe they'll be safe but i'm just a little worried. i'm thinking it might just also be i'm still very emotional about hurting them all in DC and i've just been wanting to tell them i love them more since then so maybe its just the after effects of that.

another thing...i can't decide if i wanna row anymore. i feel like i'm just going to go back out of obligation not because i enjoy it. i enjoy the feeling and the high of competing but the agony of practicing so early and all the drama with people outweighs that high. so i'm trying to decide what to do. i also need a job and with my schedule i don't think i can have a job AND row. we'll see what happens.

i will try and finish my DC blog tonight and put it up...there will be pictures too!!! =)

so...the story

2008-08-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

ok titration, you were right, i'm not a f*** up AND it wasn't as bad as it seemed. that was just in the moment and i was frustrated. so i'm on a family vacay in washington, DC. the day before we left r and i had talked and i told her that it appeared as though she was going into a tailspin (we are still good friends) and she had written me an email saying how she was real frustrated cuz she knew i was right but had been denying it for a few weeks and that she was mad at me cuz i didn't go to HI right after we broke up to "rescue her" aka make it all better. i wrote back to her how i couldn't rescue her and stuff but that i still love her and that i wasn't planning on just walking out on her like she was afraid of cuz all the important people in her life have. and i asked her to give us a second chance. well she didn't write back after a few days and i was getting concerned and i had let my emotions take hold of me. i thought that i was over "us" but apparently i wasn't cuz when she wrote that it felt like i had a second chance to go and make things better so i reopened the box of emotions that i have for r. i let my emotions get sooooo ahold of me that i booked flights from DC to HI and early on saturday morning (3:45 am to be exact) i snuck out of our hotel and walked 2.5 miles across DC to union station caught a train to baltimore washington international airport and hopped on a plane. i had a layover in chicago and when i got off the plane i had 4 voicemails and 1 text message from my parents. i had left them a note being vague and telling them id see them at home but they got real scared and called the police and filed a missing persons report. i called them and told them what i was doing. we had a long emotional talk and in the end i sat in chicago for 3 hours waiting for a plane back to DC. i totally didn't think about how much just sneaking off would hurt my family. they had even called r and left her messages cuz they thought i ha been talking to her. when i got bak to DC my family had gone to virginia to visit our cousins (i told them i couldn't handle if they didn't go and didn't want them to wait for me since i had already ruined the day) and i called r. i told her what was going on and why and we had a talk. i realized that i hadn't accepted that our relationship was over and that that part of my life was over. i was really pissed at myself and upset the next day. but i realized a couple of things. 1. i have now accepted that that part of my life is over...r and i both believe that if we were meant to be we will happen when its meant to happen, but for now i am MUCH better 2. i deserve someone who WANTS to be with me as much as i want to be with them...i can't be with r because right now she doesn't want to be in a relationship cuz she needs to know she can be on her own, so it would have been beyond pointless to go all the way to HI to try and get back with r 3. God knows what He's doing, i just need to accept His plan for me.

i do not regret what i did because it has been a HUGE turning point and learning experience. i only regret that i hurt my family, but we talked and i've apologized and we are good.

i have sooooooo much to say about DC and the week before we left but i will save it for my next post. i'll probably write it while i'm on the plane and post it sometime tomorrow or thursday.

2008-08-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

i'm such a fuck up

more later

2008-08-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

so...august 1: one year. one whole year since i came out to myself. i just realized it today and i was like wow, one year went by pretty fast. it feels like just yesterday i prayed to God and told Him that i was queer and that i accepted it and that it was all in His hands.

bad news: my hard drive failed. so i took it in and its supposed to be fixed within a few days. luckily its covered under the warranty from the previous work and HOPEFULLY this time it won't need to be re-repaired.

good news: i looked down at my wrist today and i smiled. i have seven friendship bracelets on my left wrist. i am loved. i used to only wear the one that i had made as a promise to r before it fell off. then i made a new one for myself when we broke up the first time just cuz it was weird without anything there. but i also decided to make bracelets for all the staff i liked at camp. in turn i got a bunch of bracelets back. but i also got two from campers, one of which is one of my favorite campers. but i dunno y i looked down at my wrist but when i did i mentally noted that i cuold not pick out the bracelet i made for myself from the others and it just made me so happy cuz i've gained so many friends. and i really did and i hope to keep in touch with them for as long as possible even if i never work with them again. =)

i'm all anxious cuz work ended and now i have this week to pack for my family vacay next week AND school. and i leave for school on the 22nd but get back from DC on the 20th so i'm like AAAUUUGH!!! plus there's a group of us that got real close over the summer and we want to hang out as much as possible and i wanna too but i gotta pack. and i will ALWAYS choose something fun over packing and be a procrastinator but i know i shouldn't. so i'm like BBAAAHH. lol. i typed that all really fast cuz i'm so anxious about it all. but no worries i'll be okay! okay, actually send a lil' prayer up for me that i won't lose my head and go crazy =)

mistakes

2008-07-30T22:40:00.001-07:00

i just realized something: i have a tag entitled "starting over" and i use it...not a lot but more than twice. i think that says something: i stumble a lot, and i make a lot a mistakes, but i recognize them and try to fix them. though i know i'll never stop making mistakes, i think i'm gonna try and make less. no i'm gonna let God take control like i just said i was gonna and if i follow Him i won't make mistakes

realization

2008-07-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

after a VERY LOOOOOOOOOOOONG day i broke down inside. i still had to go shopping for my secret buddy at work so i did. i'm sure i looked like crap tho, it felt like everyone could tell that i had been crying like a baby for about 30 minutes before i got to the store. so after i left i got in my car and randomly clicked the christian station on, i rarely do this anymore cuz the music is too pop-y for my taste anymore. it had an older song that i listened to growing up on so i stayed and listened. i new pop-y song came on after but i kept it. and really listened to the lyrics (see below). and i realized that i have been trying too hard to guide my own life and that even though i've been praying that God control my life i haven't actually given Him control and submitted to His will.
on one hand it hurt to realize the mistake i had been making, but on the other it was amazing and wonderful. i broke down again (while driving) and prayed for forgiveness and truthfully let my life go into His hands. it was such a huge relief, and i feel so much better now. though i still feel that my world has fallen to a million little pieces, now i feel like its ok, cuz God is gonna pick up the pieces, not me, and He knows what to do with them and how to put them back together.

you by britt nicole
I’ve been looking for love in another’s eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry

Thought that I could find
Happiness in the world’s applause
Peace of mind in a worthy cause
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust in the simple truth
Got to trust all I really need is

(Chorus)
You
I’m coming back to
You
The only thing I know worth living for
Will You take this heart and make it more like
You
I give it back to You
It’s obvious no one could love me more
I’m Yours
I’m coming, coming back, yeah
I’m coming, coming back

To joy that speaks to my deepest need
To arms never far out of reach
Yeah, how Your love it
Calls to me when I loose my way
Holds me close when I feel afraid
Take me back, take me back
Got to trust that I’m safe and sound
Got to trust that it all comes down to

(Chorus)

So no more getting caught in the middle
No more waiting for what is unsure
Back to Your love so true and so simple
Don’t understate it or complicate it

It’s so simple, yeah, it’s so simple

and then this is just a great song by leona lewis called "footprints in the sand." it came on when i got home on my itunes and it broke me down again just cuz i love it so much. (i'm not allowed to embed the video i REALLY wanted so go watch it HERE or just watch below cuz its good too!)

ceiling sky and clouds

2008-07-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

today was a ceiling sky day. i have to write it here cuz the only people that know what i'm talking about and that would be excited, i can't contact right now. but yea, so to explain: when i was 6 or 7 my family went to disney world and the epcott center. one of like four memories of have are of the mexico part of the epcott center. it's inside and has a pyramid and a ceiling with painted clouds on it. it looked like the sky but you could tell it was the ceiling. so when the clouds are soooooo high up that it looks like they are on a ceiling, like in the mexico part, it's a ceiling sky. BUT today not only was it a ceiling sky but there was ALSO regular clouds, so it was REALLY trippy. i bet most people didn't notice cuz most people don't see the difference on a ceiling sky day unless i point it out but it was REAL cool! =)

sigh

2008-07-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

i was reading the new secrets on postsecret just now and i saw this and it made me cry. it made me think of r and how she feels she doesn't deserve me and how no matter what i did/do i can never make her think she does deserve me. it made me cry because i thought of r, because i thought about how r doesn't feel she deserves me, and because there's nothing i can do about how she feels which makes me feel sooooooooo helpless.

watching the world burn

2008-07-26T21:29:00.001-07:00

so i have a bunch to blog about. i actually feel like they are separate topics and almost belong in separate blogs, but really what's the point in writing one blog right after another? so i'm just gonna title each section instead.

peace, please
so today i was at the store and i was shopping for my secret buddy. we have secret buddies at work to make things fun and make a more cohesive staff, its tons of fun. but yea so i had gone to the toy section in search of a plush giraffe (which i never did find) and there were a bunch of whiny kids and it just really irritated me. my brother's mostly past the whining about toys stage in his life and i rarely visit the toy section anymore so i didn't realize how little whining i hear anymore. i mean yea i hear it at work but its like 2 seconds long, whining for a toy goes on and on and on. and it was just really weird, and annoying, to hear all these whiny kids.
as i was driving home from the store though i saw the best thing ever. i really wish i had gotten a picture but oh well. one of those small u-haul trucks that has the pictures on the side drove by me. the picture on the side was of the statue of liberty and someone had spray-painted "peace now" on the side. it was just amazing. i found this picture awhile ago, but i think now is a good time to throw it into a blog:

MAMMA MIA!
i had a day all to myself today cuz my lil' bro is in utah helping out our grandma fix up her old house and my parents went to a home school conference for the day. i really didn't do much in the morning other than watch movies and TV. i really just needed a day off though cuz this week i worked with the "wilderness girls" unit and on thursday night there was an overnight camp out at a resident camp in the santa cruz mountains. it was pretty fun. there were eleven girls, three counselors and kick butt fires. i mean camp fires not forest fires. in the afternoon i went and saw MAMMA MIA! by myself and then shopping. while watching MAMMA MIA! i realized that i wish i was closer to my mom, that i wish we shared more things together. interestingly enough i just had a four hour conversation with her, in the middle of this blog actually, RIGHT before i said that i saw MAMMA MIA! so yea, i'm going to try even harder to get close to her. she's actually been really supportive of me through my break-up. i cried on her shoulder for at least an hour on monday. and she's asked how i'm doing and genuinely cares. i make her sound cold, i knew she would care about me but i admit i was afraid she'd say something like "i told ya so" but she definitely hasn't and doesn't appear to have that attitude. =)

feelings/emotions/thoughts
this past week has been both tough and easy. on one hand, having to work all day everyday and then being UBER responsible on thursday/friday i haven't really had the chance to just cry my eyes out or even really show my pain. which is kind of a good thing because i feel like it's been long enough that i'm not going to cry my eyes out now and since i never had the chance to it helped me to get over it that much easier. on the other hand, i haven't really had the chance to deal with those emotions until today when i had PLENTY of time to deal with them.
so...it hurts, i miss r, i wonder if i could have done something different (99% sure i couldn't have done anything that would have made it so things were better if we were together than if we were apart), a part of me feels lost. i teared up a little today when a commercial came on that reminded me of something i was planning on doing for r when she got back from russia, but besides that i didn't have too many tears. i am still KINDA in the mode of thinking that i have a girlfriend, but i'm mostly over it. like when we broke up 3ish weeks ago i kept wanting to text r and call her babe and tell her i love her and i kept seeing cute little things i wanted to buy her and all that. i feel like i'm over those "urges." there are definitely a few songs i can't listen to cuz they make me cry or because i sing them "to" r as if we were gfs still.

to r*
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

The thing about love
Is I never saw it coming
It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there’s a voice inside my heart that’s got me wondering
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And (do) you miss me while you('re) looking for yourself out there

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a face and I laughed
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours

so yea...that's how i feel. i still feel like i want to wait for r to figure things out and try and make things work for us, but i know that i can't just do that. i do need to let my heart heal and reopen to the possibilities out there. though i do believe in serendipity and i think that that's how our relationship started, so i kind of feel that there is a reason we found each other. one day we'll know what God has in store, until then i need to work on leaving "girlfriend" mode.

*lyrics rearranged from "from where you are" by lifehouse, "drops of jupiter" by train, "say it again" by marie digby, and "i'm yours" by jason mraz

over

2008-07-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

my first real relationship is over. i am once again single. and this time its a clean break. r and i have broken up, we are going to stay friends, though we aren't going to talk for awhile, and we are both just going with "what's meant to happen will happen." we both still love each other but we both know this needs to happen, for both of us, and that we both feel like we're right for each other just not right now so if it's meant to be it will happen when it's meant to happen.

on one hand i feel ok with it, like yea, this is alright with me. on the other i want to call r and figure out how to make everything right, or even fly to HI to show how much i want to be with her. i think that i am in shock and denial at the same time and that it isn't as devastating because it already happened once recently. or i'm just numb right now.

and my lame life continues.

reasons

2008-07-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

quick random stuff: i got my comp back!!! yay! for $800 i basically got a brand new computer except the casing cuz the water ruined EVERYTHING, the silver lining i suppose. r's cousin had her third child earlier this week and boy does he have a TON of hair!!! i walked into a screen door last night at a staff BBQ at one of the other counselor's houses. i always thought i was smarter than that, apparently not.

reasons why i love this town
-i can pull into an outdoor shopping center and choose from indian, chinese, greek, classic american diner, togo's, or hawaiian BBQ to eat
- drive down the street and see: an old indian couple holding hands walking down the street, a young asian family riding their bikes, a black boy, two mexican boys, an asian boy and two white boys skateboarding, and a white guy on rollerblades
-there are no "neighborhoods." no asian neighborhood, no mexican neighborhood, etc. we are all mixed up
-if i were to line up the city according to skin color, i'd have a rainbow
-trees line just about EVERY street and there's flowers or bushes in the medians
-we have a HUGE central park
-we have TWO regional parks and one wildlife refuge
-the eastern border is beautiful foothills to the santa cruz mountains
-the western border is the san francisco bay
-the original five districts are still intact and live out their history
-easy access in and out of the city
-the view on top of the hills is the most spectacular sight when there are no clouds
-we surround another city (tehe)

lame update

2008-07-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

*sigh* i took my laptop into the mac store today and they had to send it out to be fixed. it's gonna cost a bundle. i'm not excited. but i really hope that it costs less than the required estimate. since its water damage they have to set it at "tier 4" but its possible it'll cost less since they actually have no idea what's wrong with it or why it won't power up.

seriously?!

2008-07-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

I AM SO PISSED AT THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME!!!

i have had THE WORST WEEK EVER at work cuz of this one pin in the a** girl, her follower, and the three girls that know how to push her buttons. and then today r tells me that her phone bill is through the roof (she's in HI if i haven't already said) due to our calls which is STUPID cuz we both have AT&T and supposed to have free mobile-to-mobile and no roaming or long distance fees. then just now i got out of the shower, walk into my room and find an open water bottle spilled on my macbook's keyboard. yes i put the bottle there but the cap was CLOSED!!! i was so effing pissed that i almost through the d@mn computer on the floor. i drained it and called mac. i'm drying it out and going into a store on saturday but i am still so pissed that i am on the verge of throwing THIS computer. oh yea and its the first day of THAT time of the month and i have THE WORST cramps, the worst i've had in over a year and all i wanna do is scream and punch a few people out and then punch a wall.

please excuse my language

worldliness

2008-07-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

i need to explain the title: i'm gonna blog about two things. one is the negative definition of worldliness; being of this world and all that. the second is the positive definition; thinking about the world as a whole and putting it before myself. sorry i just thought i was sooooooooo clever when i came up with it that i couldn't just leave it there =)

soooo...returning to symbolism. r and i spoke today and we decided that the bracelet falling off was a symbol for our old "us" breaking and falling away, making way for the new "us." (reading between the lines: r and i are an us. and i say that because "back together" doesn't necessarily apply.) but i got so upset about losing a lame-o bracelet that i am NOT going to make one to replace it, like i said i made an anklet that half way symbolized a new promise, but i'm going to cut it off so as not to have that around. i was just on facebook and was about to change my relationship status and then i realized that that was lame. i mean why do i hafta alert the world about us? i mean what's the rush? and the point? r and i know what's going on and we know how we are as an us, so why do i need to rush off to scream it to the world via an impersonal networking website that is societies lazy answer to communication? so i didn't. i left my relationship status blank. one day i will change it, when i dunno, but for now i am happy with just knowing that i love r and that we are an us.

foot liberation (proper noun)- the non-profit i am going to start. cause: raising money for, awareness about and collecting shoes for those who do not have shoes, especially children and especially in third world countries. origin: i do not wear socks and sometimes shoes either. one day a friend asked: why do you hate socks? my reply: i don't hate socks, i'm just all for foot liberation. its kind of a play on words since i like my feet liberated, while i want to help liberate all the feet in the world from whatever dangers they face and can't fight on their own. i want to make t-shirts and get a website up and make flyers and start collecting so that i can take the shoes with me to south africa to donate to orphanages there. i know that most countries do not allow used articles of clothing and shoes to be shipped in so used shoes i'll hafta take myself. first step: get website up and at least one t-shirt made. second step: make flyers and start raising awareness. i'll keep ya'll updated.

tying things up

2008-07-06T20:09:00.001-07:00

i FINALLY pulled out the last two boxes of crap from school and went thru them this weekend. then i repacked everything up and put it in the garage to await for my return to school. i'm such a procrastinator its not even funny.

this three day weekend is amazing and i'm so sad that it ends tomorrow. but alas i need the money so i will get up at quarter to six and drag my sorry self to work tomorrow. one good thing: work is 1/3 over! but summer is 1/2 over...boo!

the bracelet previously mentioned finally broke last night when i was loading a comforter into the dryer. i keep reaching to play with it and finding its not there.

does anyone know how to make a website/would be willing to help me out starting one up and showing me the ropes? i'll talk more about why later.

i really wanna find a "Bible study" book to start but i have no idea where to look or what to look for. a good friend said to make sure i got one that was history based. does anyone have any suggestions for any or where to look?

looking for the sun

2008-07-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

each day, it feels, is harder not easier. i keep praying that God would just give me strength to do what He wants no matter what that is.

i like making hemp bracelets. last winter JUST before met r, literally 3 days, i made a hemp bracelet and decided to wear and not give it away, and this time i tied it so i couldn't remove it. after i realized how deep my affection for r was i decided that the bracelet would symbolize my commitment to r and that i wouldn't take it off until we split apart. i have continued to wear it even now to symbolize that i am still hers though one day that might change. today i was at work and we were doing this great little uplifting game (i'll elaborate in a lil bit) and i looked down at my wrist and realized that one of the strings that hold the bracelet together had broken and now it is starting to unravel. i am into symbolism so this is making me very emotional. i don't want to cut it off but i can't stand seeing it broken. but then i tell myself that the friendship bracelet that i made in a macrame style on tuesday and tied around my ankle is the "replacement." like this original commitment died but i have a new one. its all lame and excuses and heartaches speaking but it is making me emotional and i just wanna rewind 7 days and make this never happen, but i know that wouldn't be right.

i have a slouching problem, i've been it noticing a lot this week.

so today was the last day of camp this week as tomorrow is a national holiday (celebrating our rebellion and autonomy that has led us to believe that we are almighty and should flex the same power we used way back then whenever possible even if it isn't the right thing to do). the unit i've been working with is basically an express yourself however you want in a positive manner, lift yourself and others up group. so to end the week the other counselors and i decided to do this little friendship web thing. a leader starts with a ball of yarn/string and wraps the end around their own wrist, then throws the ball to someone (it kinda works better in a circle but it doesn't really matter) and says something positive about them that pertains to something that occurred during the week. then that person wraps some yarn around their wrist and passes it on, creating a web of string between people. then at the end everyone cuts the string that leads to the other people and ties the string around their wrist as a reminder of the good times/comments. i really like it and so did the girls. it was the wrapping that made me notice the break, and it made me stumble over the good comment i wanted to say about one of the girls.

three day weekend. i need it. hopefully the down time will keep me off my destroyed heart. i am in SUCH a downer mood. i gotta end this on a positive note....the staff does secret buddies at camp and today we revealed them (we rotate) and it was good fun to give and receive gifts.

SPEAKING of work. i have been slowly coming out to people at camp and on one hand i like being open, on another there have been a bunch of comments that have been made unknowingly that are kinda derogatory but i've realized that they are not out of hate but just things people say without realizing, and they make me feel kinda scared. also, i know the boy scouts are AGAINST queers, but i'm not sure if the girl scouts are (they are who i'm working for), i think they don't care just cuz i've never heard anything and because of the almost obvious sexualities of leaders in the council. ALSO i think that my director is a lezzy BUT she keeps saying that "she has a boy sick at home" (we KNOW she lives with her fiance) and that her dog "has to get home to her daddy" BUT her fiance came to camp last week and he looked and sounded like a VERY butch dyke. i hate to stereotype but s/he had that butch buzz cut that lezzies do that no man does unless he is diehard army, and his/her voice was VERY soft/high for a man. AND the pix of him/her on my director's facebook look VERY dyke-y and feminine featured...maybe s/he's going through a sex change or even role-playing/whatever it is REALLY considered cuz his/her name is kody (the latter would kinda make sense as the director, i think both, are from georgia). the only reason that i am SO ENTHRALLED with this is that if my director WAS a lezzy/in a relationship like that then i'd be LOADS more comfortable even if she wasn't fully out.

ok, happy fourth!

*tear

2008-07-01T22:02:00.001-07:00

*sigh* work is CUH-RAZY!!! i get up at 6am, leave the house by 7, drive for 30 minutes, set up (day) camp. girls start arriving around 8:30am. i play with and supervise (and discipline) the girls until 5pm with no real breaks. then clean up camp until around 6pm. 15ish minute staff meeting then a 40 minute drive home. i get home, eat, shower, read my blogs and email then zonk out around 10pm. rinse and repeat. for some reason tonight i have a little extra energy so i'm blogging...finally.

the ingrid michaelson concert two sundays ago was AWESOME!!!! she is better live than on CD. i met her after and had her sign my shirt. i recommend that everyone at least give her a listen, she is a GREAT musician. this past weekend was SF Pride but i didn't go. my best friend, n, and i were gonna go together but i had a real rough weekend so she went and met up with some of her friends from school.

r and i broke up over the weekend. though it's not a real "clean" cut. r and i both feel like we need some time to grow as individuals and that being together is hindering that, plus the distance is really taking its toll. for the next six months we are both single but NOT looking, if something hits us over the head or is dropped into our laps, we'll go with it, but we're not actively looking. when r gets back from russia we're gonna sit down and have a chat about where we feel we are and if we feel like we're ready to be in a relationship. we both feel like we are meant for each other just not right now. we both feel like the other is THE ONE but that we aren't supposed to be together right now. we are putting "us" in God's hands, and letting what is meant to be happen. it does hurt, because r isn't my girlfriend but i still love her soooooo much. it is the toughest thing EVER to NOT think about her as my girlfriend. i keep having to check myself from calling and texting her every 30 minutes. work is keeping me busy though. today was supposed to be our six months but obviously it wasn't and the sky was a beautiful gloominess to match my mood.

tomorrow is my mom's birthday. i dunno if we're doing anything. i don't see much of my family. i'm kinda just the tenant in the back. lol.

wow, time flies

2008-06-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

life has been crazy! i am working at a girl scout day camp for 6 weeks this summer and this past week was training for it. LOOOOOOOOONG days. and 6 more weeks of them...i can't wait! there was only a hint of sarcasm there. i really am looking forward to working tho. i LOVE working day camp, the only difference is that i usually only work one week a summer volunteering tho, so this IS a little daunting to me.

the biggest thing that happened to me was this past monday night. i had REALLY wanted to go to HI for a week at the end of summer, right before my family wants to go to DC so my parents and i sat down on monday night to figure out logistics. what ACTUALLY happened was that my parents, mainly my mom (as usual), said that she didn't understand why i would want to spend the money i'm earning to do that instead of saving it to use when/if i go to south africa in the spring. she understood that i missed r and all that but why am I spending the money and not r. from there it turned into what felt like an attack, on me and "my lifestyle." my mom told me that she doesn't like what's on the news (aka gay marriage in california) and that the US was founded on Christian principles and that we should stick to them and that the constitution defines marriage as between a man and a women. all of which pissed me off as both of those thoughts are completely UNTRUE. she went on to tell me that i've changed for the worse and that she feels my faith is gone and that she doesn't know where i got the ideas in my head that homosexuality isn't a sin. i told her about some of the books i've read and the studying i've done on my own and she said that the people who wrote the books are anti-Christians. i asked if her if she'd ever read any or knew their stories and she said that they had all fallen. and basically i just got soooo angry and frustrated. the night ended on a rough note. the next evening i wrote my parents a note explaining how i felt i had been attacked and saying that i felt that even though they don't have to agree with my "lifestyle choice" that being their daughter, a fellow human being and fellow Christian a little love and respect would be appreciated. i also asked that they looked at both sides of the homosexuality, Bible/God debate before continuing their judgments. i also ps'ed the note with a correction about the constitution and marriage, and that the US, as written in the first amendment, does NOT have to follow nor adhere to any religion.

something good that happened though was earlier today. my family had gone to a friend's grad party and then to home depot to get top soil. as we parked my dad said something and my mom was like "aww you're so sweet" kind of sarcastically. so as i was getting out of the car i was harassing my dad with "yea soooo sweet" then as i stood up i said "i must have gotten my sweetness from you." he pulled me into a hug and said into my ear "i hope you get a partner just like me." i smiled, looked right into his eyes and said "thank you." this was big since at the beginning of the summer he had said one time that he hoped that i got a good husband one day or something like that and i just glared at him. there is yet hope.

ingrid michaelson concert tomorrow in SF!!! for FREE!!!! YAY

nothing to say

2008-06-10T16:25:00.001-07:00

its been awhile. i haven't really felt up to blogging, or really had much to say, lately. i got my tonsils out last tuesday and then had a reaction to the loritab so my past week has really sucked. right now i can feel the scabs coming off and it hurts, i can talk though! sorta. i sound like a deaf person who has learned to talk so i'm not fully understandable.

one thing i have realize this last week, though, is that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but there gets a point when that distance is so far that it starts to make the heart ache. i haven't seen r in 3.5 weeks and i am about to die. she is in hawai'i and i'm in the SF bay area. i really don't know what i'm going to do when she goes to russia. all i know is that if there was a road to hawai'i i'd be on it right now. (i actually figured out that it would cost $500 less for me to drive to HI than fly there if i could drive it.) i wish i had the money to go visit on the weekends.

i found this on life of a sassyfemme's blog and thought i'd do it too, it seems like a good filler since i'm bored and don't know what to write.

A is for your age:
20...writing it myself makes me feel old

B is for your burger of choice:
the teriyaki chicken one at red robin, or my mom's turkey burger

C is for the car that you drive:
toyota echo

D is for dog's name:
natasha (aka tasha, bubby, puppygirl) and samson (aka sam), but he thinks he's a cat so...

E is for an essential item you use each day:
clearisil(sp?) face pads, LOVE the fresh clean feeling, no matter how dirty my face was before

F is for your favorite television show:
ok this is tough...pushing daisies, LOST, and grey's anatomy are all up there but i think top chef wins out

G is for favorite game:
gin rummy and apples to apples

H is for hometown:
technically murray, UT; claimed would be fremont, CA

I is for instruments played:
air drums

J is for favorite juice:
white grape and pineapple

K is for what you'd like to kick:
my parents, for being ignorant

L is for last restaurant you dined at:
TGI friday's...not my choice

M is for your favorite muppet:
kermit

N is for number of piercings you have:
five...two in each lobe, one in my left cartilage

O is for overnight hospital stays:
none...that i know of

P is for people you were with today:
my mom and brother so far...

Q is for what you do in quiet times:
usually reflect...on the day, recent events, life...

R is for regrets:
-not meeting r earlier in life...though i think that our relationship couldn't have happened before it did
-choosing swimming over softball in high school

S is for status:
taken =)

T is for time you woke up today:
9ish

U is for what you consider unique:
about me? well for one my DNA is pretty unique...=)...umm...the way i live my life...society is me, me, me and i tend to put the world first, people are always in awe of that, though, and i don't quite get why, all you gotta do is love everyone else as much as you love yourself just like Jesus said to. and don't get me wrong, i can definitely be self-centered but it is definitely not one of my prominent traits. i also try and live my life with honor and dignity and i think that's another thing society has lost.

V is for favorite vegetable:
steamed broccoli (and i mean STEAMED) hands down, and cucumbers

W is for your worst habit:
procrastinating

X is for x-rays you have had:
too many to count

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
i've had a piece of buttered toast and half of a taco bell bean and cheese burrito, neither were yummy in my opinion...what would be yummy is some thai food or indian food or pizza...

Z is for zodiac sign:
pisces...i don't hold much stock in it other than r and my signs are highly compatible =)

"normal"

2008-05-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

ok so, i admit it, i have a math mind. i try to hide it behind the muscles that make me an athlete, but its true, i'm a nerd at mind. just now i realized that i'd bet a large sum of money (much more than i have now, or ever plan on having, might i add) that if someone were to poll the entire nation (i'm not willing to go all the way to the world yet) on their sexuality that somewhere around 2.5-3% of the nation would be completely straight, 2.5-3% would be completely gay, and 94-95% would somewhere in between, including anywhere from straight with the occasional gay attraction to exactly 50/50 bi to gay with the occasional straight attraction.

how did i come to this? this past semester i took a statistics class meant specifically for science majors. one of the main things we learned about was the normal curve. where the average is the highest point on the curve and then it curves down on either side 95% of the curve is within 2 standard deviations of the average either way from the average. anything that falls outside of those 4 standard deviations is considered to be significantly different from the average.

a normal curve, the blue parts are the significantly different areas

equating that to my theory, 5% of the nation is "significantly different" than the rest. because 1/2 of that 5% lands on either end of the curve, it means that 1/2 of the significantly different population is 100% gay and the other 1/2 is 100% straight. i can't give percentages for the rest of the spectrum since we only worked with significantly different and trying to make data appear significantly different (yes, i learned how to manipulate data so i can make my future data look significant even if it isn't...or be able to tell when someone else's isn't).

i guess to tie this all up, i could speculate that when kinsey said that about 10% of the population was gay, he probably wasn't too far off, even though his methods weren't totally sound. and beyond that yea i dunno, it was just a random epiphany i had that related what i learned to my life.

voice your opinion!

2008-05-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

the office of the governor of california has set up a hotline public opinion vote on the recent CA supreme court decision regarding equal marriage. it's a completely automated system and it's not, repeat NOT, limited to california residents. i just called it myself. it was busy the first two ties, but the third time i got through, and it took maybe ten seconds.

to voice your opinion:
1. call 1-916-445-2841
2. press options 1 (english), 5 (to vote), 1 (LGBT issue), 1 (vote yes)

i know AH-nold has said that he will, and if i remember right he has, veto any bill that discriminates against same-sex marriage, but i believe that he has also said that he won't legalize it either (i COULD be wrong, no quoting!) but maybe this will help to change his mind. and i don't think there is any way of tracking how many times a person has called, i think i'll call back later. =)

does loving require practice?

2008-05-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

or rather, does being a lover?

something i've wondered a bit since i met r: how/why is it that for some people they search for love (by going out with people, etc) their lives and maybe never find it, while for others they seem to find on the first or second "try"? is love sporadic? does it vary from person to person? is their some internal balance each person needs to fulfill before they find their true love?

i just had this totally out of the blue thought: what if loving/being a lover requires practice? what if you don't find true love until you've had enough practice loving? (i feel a bit self-righteous writing this but i need to so please don't judge because i'm not meaning to be self-righteous at all) for example, i've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before r (though i kissed a kid in the 4th grade that moved away but in high school i often wondered what would have happened between us if he had stayed around), where as r has had a bunch of boyfriends and girlfriends, some not as serious as others but they're there. but the difference that i see between us (this is the self-righteous sounding part) is that she was "normal" in loving people not in a romantic way. i mean she loved her family and close friends but that's about that, just like the average person, she never really volunteered or sent money to missions or other charities, she never really showed compassion and loved in any other way. whereas i was compassionate and loving towards others my whole life. i went on a missions trip myself, i started operation: christmas child collections at my church when i was 9 or 10 and led them until my jr. year in high school, and i started sponsoring two ugandan children while in high school. i'm not trying to hold myself up or show off or anything, but what if all of that loving on others whom i barely knew or never met is what made it that i found love so easily? and i don't mean that if you are compassionate to lots of people in your life that you'll find love easier, i don't mean that at all. what if that was MY practice? whereas r's practice was loving others romantically?

maybe its just like earning a degree in school. maybe there are different types of love degrees, but in order to earn one you must practice and learn to love. in that case, i'd say that i learned a compassionate love degree. i don't what all different types of degrees there would be, but i'd say that r earned some sort romantic/loyalty degree. and i think that there are people out there who have earned selfish love degrees, in that the type of love they have practiced most is loving themselves, which is an important part of any type of loving, but these people went overboard. but the thing is, just like being able to change majors, double majoring, or earning more than one degree, i think that all of that is possible with love "degrees." i think you can earn more than one at a time, earn one now and then another later, and even change the type of love degree your earning before you've earned it.

i have NO idea if this is really true, it is just how i hypothesized things this morning. it makes sense to me and i think that i might delve in the theory itself some more and see where i get to. all i know is that without love, none of us would be here and that without love, life would be pretty lame. and i am so glad that i found MY love =)

summer

2008-05-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

i have been home for a little over a week now. last sunday was great fun. my friend, j, and i walked in the ING bay-to-breakers 12k fun run/walk. The idea is to dress up as crazy as possible and do the 12k, pretty much only the handful of elite runners don't dress up. we saw some crazy costumes, including a bunch of olympic beer pong and flip cup teams equipped with their tables and beer (B2B is also an excuse to get REALLY drunk in public and not get arrested), a bunch of naked people, a bunch of juno runners, and a giant game of human twister. my favorite costumes by far, though, were a group of ladies dressed up as the mothers from the yearning for zion ranch in texas. it's not that i think it is a great joke to make fun of the YFZ situation (i actually think the whole thing is a bit of a mess, i think texas jumped the gun at taking the children out of their homes and that the children might be a bit more damaged now because of it) but these ladies were dressed to a T, i did a double-take thinking that they were really the mothers. k dressed up as dorothy, the only one we saw. i had forgotten about a costume for B2B through all my illness and trying to make up school work, so i wore a tie-dye tank top and navy blue shorts, i was pre-PRIDing, tho about a mile into the course j said that i was her rainbow, the one dorothy sings about.

this past week has been very up and down emotionally. coming home for me=going back into the closet. my parents know i'm out (they are more supportive than when i first came out, but its still a phase in their heads) but i'm not supposed to talk about it in front of my 10-yr-old brother. i agree with my parents tho, cuz he doesn't always know when to keep his mouth shut and he would go and tell his friends and stuff, and we're afraid that he'll get made fun of (something he already goes through) and that he might get kicked out of the christian home-school group he and my mom are a part of. but since none of my friends are out of school yet, i have no one to "escape" to and just be myself. and even at that, here at home only two of my friends know i'm out. i haven't come out to any of my high school youth group friends, except a, but she knew way back when i was ignorant that i had feelings for girls and then it turns out she had feelings for them too. she has come out to a few people and the way it sounds its kind of a mixed reaction among people, so yea, dunno.

i had also been planning on flying out to HI at the end of august to hang out with r for a couple of weeks between my summer job and school starting back up/r going to russia. the day before i was planning on telling my parents my plans, i found out that during that time my dad wants to take us all to DC to sight-see and then up to NY to visit an uncle who is getting up there in age. i was VERY upset and heartbroken. then, i thought about going to HI right now, before my job starts, but my parents HS reunion is this coming weekend in UT and i said i'd watch my little brother, and the following weekend is his dance recital and my grandparents are coming out for it so i couldn't. i'm very frustrated, but i'm just letting it go and i'm hoping that something works out. i know i'll see r before she leaves because she has to fly out of LAX and is going to stay at a friend's house that is near our school for five days before she leaves (which is two days after i start school), but we wanted to hang out for a few days just relaxing and not having to worry about packing (her), moving in (me) or school (me). but we'll see what happens.

currently, i am going thru my entire room. everything. i am getting rid of everything i don't need/use. it's a cleansing of sorts. i have tried to do these before but i always tire out cuz i try to do them in 2 days and then get interrupted and never finish or get tired of constantly working. this time i am taking sections of my room and setting a limit on that section and letting myself get distracted (ie helping my mom out when she asks, or going to the store cuz i need to, or doctor's appointments) so that i don't tire out. i'm about half way there.

2008-05-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

first off....FINALLY!!! california supreme courts overturned a ban on same-sex marriages on thursday!!! yay!!! suburban lesbian housewife commented on how she felt when massachusetts legalized same-sex marriages, she said that she felt like a full citizen, and i now understand that. i mean i'm not planning on running out and getting married right now because i am not ready for that, but i know that one day r and i are going to get married and just KNOWING that we really can and it will be recognized by the government (well state government) makes me feel so much more like a full citizen. i never realized how much i felt like a second-class citizen until thursday, when i felt like i was finally a full citizen. on one hand it is amazing to feel like a full citizen but on the other it makes me sad that queer folk feel like second-class citizens without really realizing it. and that makes me mad at society.

i had a great realization but i forgot what it was...maybe that was it ^...probably.

finals are over and i am home for the summer. i start a full-time summer job on june 16th working a summer camp in the south bay. i'm UBER excited.

tomorrow, well today, a friend and i are walking in the ING bay-to-breakers over in SF so i really should get to bed. peace and love y'all!

2008-05-06T00:38:00.001-07:00

another reason why communication does not have to be in words or a true language...r and tend to just make random sounds...they are affectionate...i just realized how weird that must be to someone watching us...

common thread

2008-05-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

we are all connected and the most innate of levels. anyone who understands that DNA is in everyone, knows that. but do we really ever stop and think "hey, deep down we're really all alike"? no, we don't really do that.
this weekend, r's uncle (p) and a family friend (e) were in town. p was in from hawaii, and e was in from russia (and then going back to HI with p) and really wanted to shopping. p isn't much of a shopper so he asked if r and i would go shopping with e and then p wanted to treat us all to dinner. so r and i met up with e and p at the largest shopping in the OC. neither r nor i knew that e spoke no english, and p failed to mention it. at first r and i were at a real loss, but e took the lead. e really uses shiseido products so we took her to macy's to the shiseido counter. at first r and i tried to use p's russian-english dictionary to help translate but e took over. through basic gestures and attempts at words e and the lady at the counter (who's first language sounded like japanese and spoke very broken english herself) got along without a single sentence and understood each other perfectly fine. e also wanted to look at coats, again r and i stood back while e and the saleslady communicated through gestures and single english or russian words. the whole time when i would try to help e or the saleslady out i kept translating what i wanted to ask e into french, since that's the only other language i know. i realized that we really don't need language to all get along. innately within us is the ability to communicate and to understand each other in ways that do not involve words or language. this is something we are born with.
another way i know that we are all born with a way to communicate without language is the way that my friend, v, and i communicate. v and i became very close last year (our freshman year in college). we aren't as close anymore but we became so close that we are able to understand what the other one is saying, even when words are not used, or words are incomprehensible. v and i use a number of sounds, gestures and mumbles to communicate. we have been in groups before but been talking to each other and we have had people ask us what we are saying because they didn't have a clue what was going on while the two of us knew exactly what the other was saying.
to communicate is innate. it connects us all. no matter where we come from or what language we speak (or sign) we all have the ability to communicate with each other. it is one of many small threads that ties us all together at the very core of our beings.

three years

2008-05-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

“Sober”(cover)
-Kelly Clarkson (edited by me)

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three years and I’m still living
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three years and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know

It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three years and I’m still standing here
Three years and I’m getting better yeah
Three years and I still am

Three years and it's still harder now
Three years I've been living here with myself
Three years yeah, three years

Three years and I’m still breathing
Three years and I still remember it
Three years and I wake up

Three years and I’m still living
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

three years. it seems like a lot longer than two years did, but still not very long. i'd say i've come a long way, but i still have a long way to go. i had originally wanted to learn to play the above on guitar by today so that i would be able to play it today. i think i saw it as a kind of therapy for myself, remembrance maybe, since i connected to the song so well. now all i can do is keep on keepin' on.

on marriage

2008-05-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

the other night r and i got into a good conversation/discussion about marriage. what it is and such. it really got me thinking. i THOUGHT i knew how i felt about marriage and what it means to me, but our conversation REALLY got me thinking. i think that easiest way for me to get my thoughts out is to just bullet point them.

-marriage is the union between two people before God; it is the union of their spirits, hearts, minds and love for each other
-marriage is the proclamation of two people's love for each other before/to God and the world
-marriage is between two people that are in love with each other, love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives together as one
-because marriage is before God, does that mean that the two people can pray together with God and unite themselves that way?
-in the same way that God says that when a person has accepted Christ as their savior that they need to be baptized and tell people, a couple needs to get married and proclaim it to people, but in the same way that a person my be persecuted for being baptized (ie it's illegal in their country), a couple needs not get married and proclaim if it endangers them
-does there HAVE to be a person marrying them?
-what is proclaiming their love before the world entail? does just telling people count? does there have to be a ceremony?
-to me marriage involves the two people, a person marrying them, God and a witness...the pomp and circumstance is what is "traditional" and what society thinks should happen

does anyone know what the Bible really says about marriage and such? that's my new search, what DOES the Bible say about marriage?

specs of a relationship

2008-04-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

i really don't have anything original to say so i think i'm going to "respond" to a blog titration wrote the other day.

unlike titration, i AM a college student and DO have to scrip and save and by store brand EVERYTHING. but that doesn't mean that i don't budget my money. i admit that i don't budget every dollar i spend, or don't, but i do have my limits on everything. so where should i fit my relationship with r in? and i think i'm going to take this one step further by not referring JUST to my finances but to everything: money, time, energy...

earlier this week r and i had a VERY rough spot and we had a "where are we going?" talk. during the talk i realized something about myself. r said that she feels that when you are REALLY in love that you become selfless towards that person. she herself puts very people before her in life. for me, i am a very selfless person to start with so how can i use r's gauge of selflessness for anything in life? i can't. but then it made me think about "spending" my time, energy and even money for/towards other people.

time: i LOVE spending time with r and i'm sure if i had nothing else in life to do i'd spend ALL my time with her. but i DO have other things in life i have to do so how do i decide how much time to spend with her? especially since it is so easy for the two of us to spend time together.

energy: this is kind of a vague one to figure out. what comes to mind is how on wednesday night r fainted twice and had an awful headache and her mom and i both wanted her to go to the ER so i took her. we got there at 9:30pm and she blacked out twice before going back. after all was said and done we left at 3:30am. i didn't think twice about taking r or staying with her. yea i had class at 10am (and i went) but that didn't matter. i think things like that are where energy needs to be put into a relationship. what is hard to define is things like getting/making/figuring things out for your significant other. like making them a present, or going the extra mile to get them the mint condition comic book that only three were made (or w/e). how do you decide how much of your energy are you going to exert on your significant other/relationship instead of exerting on yourself?

money: does money make a relationship? and i don't mean presents and all that. i mean the essentials. how much should be spent on things like gas, airline tickets, food, etc?

yes, love trumps everything. without love what is the point of life. and i feel strongly about that. love makes the world go 'round. but when does love trumping all of the above go too far? i guess what i'm really asking is when is being selfless for your relationship too selfless?

btw- r is much better, nothing serious was wrong and she is on the mend

quickie

2008-04-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

go look at this website dayoftruth.org
i've read thru most of it...it is just a bunch of BS! and it is killing me...they are christians and they are saying that GLSEN is not holding an honest conversation about homosexuality because they are silencing what the christians have to say. they are also saying that they love gays (as God does) but that it is out of this love that they want to tell them "the truth" about their (well OUR) "lifestyles" aka that they are wrong. it just gets to me, cuz i'm christian and that's not the truth!!! and a LOT of what they have on their sight about "gay myths," "gay FAQ," and other gay facts and such are TOTALLY unsupported and slanted for them.

a MUCH better thing to check out

and this is inspiring (i couldn't get the page to go to the specific post link so i copied it into here fromSuburban Lesbian Housewife):

Day Of Silence
This morning, Jeanine and I were treated to a fourth grade presentation on the civil rights movement in the southeast region of the country. It was a timeline of PowerPoint presentations, from slavery to the civil rights movement.

Our son Zachary presented the book he read with a classmate. Excellent work.

What struck me though, was the two parents that came up to me and mentioned that Zachary had told their son that he was going to be silent one day at school. That is was a protest.

I was surprised. We had talked about the Day of Silence and what it was for over dinner the other night. Jeanine is organizing the students at Berklee who want to participate.

Zachary, obviously, soaked it in. He told his friend that it was about the violence against gays and lesbians- he didn't understand the bisexual or transgender piece- and it was about being silent in protest of that violence.

Then, I was proud. Yes, I explained. It is... and we talked about it as we walked out over the school yard.

found this video on the http://www.dayofsilence.org/ site.

(i can't find the video....go to the page and watch it it's awesome!!!)

It is wrong. I've emailed Zachary's teachers and offered to go speak about why Zachary will be silent that day.

My son made me so proud today.
Labels: hate crime, job discrimination, LGBT issues, LGBT leadership, lgbt rights, parenting

POSTED BY SARA AT 10:39 AM

minus/plus

2008-04-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

the tonsillitis continues...and gets worse...i'm sick sick again...

BUT

the girlfriend worries are calmed and i'd even venture to say over. i gave r her space on wednesday and was kind of surprised when she called me. i answered and she asked what i had going on in the afternoon. i told her just my doctor's appointment. she asked if we could go to disneyland after and i told her that i'd love to! so after i went to the dr i picked r up and we went to disneyland. on the way there and sitting in the parking structure there we talked. r said that she had done something that upset me and she was upset that it upset me and then she started to question why what upset me was such a big deal. but then she realized that it doesn't matter if it's a big deal to me because it is such a small part of our relationship. and she said that she realized that she would wait for me forever to do what i make a big deal out of (if you're wondering it's having sex before marriage). and that it was lame of her to make a big deal over the whole thing. we had a very good talk. and she said that she wold wait for me forever and that she does love me and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. and i could just tell by the way she said it, that she TRULY meant it. and i stopped feeling like i was walking on eggshells. i can't say our relationship is perfect and happy now, but it is sooooo much better. and for that i am thankful.

worries

2008-04-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

so this week has been rough

without going into all the details...last tuesday i asked r if she was happy being with me cuz for about 3 days before that she seemed real distant and had made some comments that made me question. well she had actually been thinking that maybe she wanted to break up with me. so we talked a little, and i cry. and decided that we needed a break, so we decided that it'd last until saturday (this was all in the morning btw). then later in the day she shows up at my door and apologizes for that morning and tells me that she felt like i was walking out forever when i had left earlier. we go our separate ways. later in the evening i had told r that i would call her and right as i was about to call her, she calls me and says that we need to talk. so she comes over and tells me that she had been talking to her mom and that her mom thinks that we are too young for love. a lot of crying from both of us. r is struggling with if she should break up with me or not. i tell her that though it hurts to say it, that if she DOES break up with me, i will still be her friend. and something clicked for her. she felt like she a girlfriend, but no friends she said and by me saying that she realized that that was what she felt she had lost was me as a friend. so we decided to work more on our friendship. we go our separate ways. EVEN later that night we are both online and r asks me to come over. i go over to her room. we just lay on her bed and i can see that she is struggling with something so i ask her what's up. she turns to me and says that she thinks she isn't in love with me anymore. i literally break down. i tell her that i have to go. that i want to stay but i want things to be ok and i know that they won't be so i have to go, though it hurts for me to leave her. i go back to my room and cry myself to sleep. i wake up an hour early on wednesday and can't fall back asleep. i pray that tuesday was just a dream but i know it's not. i pray and think and i ended up writing r a letter. i realized that i was still in love with r (and i truly believe that i am) and that i wasn't just letting her go that i was going to fight for her. so i go to class and r calls me between classes and says that she needs to talk. on one hand i am apprehensive but on the other i feel the need to go. so i meet r to talk. she tells me that after i left she broke down and literally could not speak. she tried calling her mom but couldn't say anything. she realized that she was scared, all the people that have ever mattered to her have always left her and she's afraid that i will too (we've talked about that before). and she realized that she really is in love with me, cuz when i left it felt like something had died inside and she has never felt the way she does for anyone ever before. i was so relieved/overjoyed that i cried (AGAIN!). we talked and just cuddled. then we both had class to get to. then that night we met up before our QSA meeting and got dinner and then went to the meeting. for the meeting we walked to a local soda fountain to celebrate our pride week. both at dinner and during/after the meeting r acted annoyed with me. and asked her if she was and she said no. later on she acted that way again so i asked again and she said no again. i told her that her actions were saying something different. then we got into a stupid little spat and went our separate ways. i tried to do my homework but i couldn't concentrate. i saw that r was online and asked her what she was up to. i asked her if we could talk. by this point i had written down everything that was going on in my head, cuz i was VERY confused and scared myself. so we talked. and r didn't realize her actions and we had a VERY good talk. and things have been pretty good since then. i mean i do kinda feel like i'm walking on eggshells, i'm afraid that i might do something wrong that will push r away.

so tonight r stopped by my room after her skit practice and i could tell that something was up, so i asked her and she said that she had written a post about what we had gone thru last week and someone had written a comment that was bugging her. i asked if she wanted to talk and she did so we did. she said that they had said that if this is going on so early in our relationship that obviously we aren't meant to be together (i really wanna read the post and the comment, but r and i don't read each other's blogs because they are a place for us to write and not feel like we need to hide things cuz we are writing anonymously). i told r that i feel like what happened was just a rough spot, and that every relationship is going to have them and that we got thru it and will probably have more to come, but that that was all it was. r also said that she was concerned about the fall (she is studying abroad in russia). she has talked to friends that have gone abroad who feel like they would have had more fun if they hadn't had a significant other back home. she said that she wants to fully enjoy and experience russia, that she wants to be all there, not half here and half there. and i guess i kind of understand her reasoning but not really. we didn't talk about it much but it concerns me. but what really gets me is that i ended up going over to r's room to study and after we studied we were laying on her bed. and we were making out. then we just kind of laid there in each other's arms. then i kissed her but i could tell something was up so i asked what was wrong. and she said that she just needed to think about some stuff. then her roommate got back and it was late so she said i should probably go. i asked if she wanted to meet for lunch tomorrow and she said that she needed some alone time. i know i got a concerned looked on my face and she asked why. i told her that i was worried about her and about us. and i could tell that upset her a little. she asked what i was worried about. and i told that i still kind of felt like i was afraid of doing something wrong that would push her away and i was afraid that i might have done something (though i don't know what). she kind of started to say that i hadn't done anything but i could also tell that she wasn't telling the whole truth, so i cut her off and told that if she didn't want to talk it was fine, that she should figure things out first. we told each other good night and i left. but i'm sooooooooo worried. i'm trying to figure out if i did something wrong or something that could have upset her. and i'm sooooooooo afraid that we are going to go through another thing like last week. and i guess i'm also trying to figure out what i should do. i mean i'm planning on giving her her space. but what if she does break up with me? what if she thinks we need a break while she is abroad? i guess i'm just so afraid of losing her. i mean i truly and honestly am in love with her. and i've told her my reasons for knowing that i am. and i just KNOW that she is the one that i want to spend the rest of my life with. and she's said she feels the same way. which also confuses me, that if she knows that then what is going on?

and then it feels like my tonsillitis is back...i go to see the doctor tomorrow. *sigh*

AMEN!

2008-04-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

we gotta get back to the basics! the constitution says 'we, the people...' not 'me, the president...' -gladys, ellen's friend

nothing

2008-04-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

life is busy. school. my new research (i get to mutilate plants!). and today has kind of been a drag.

i was walking back from campus and i looked up at the clear sky and saw the moon. it's about a quarter full and it just looked so serene. it looks just like those pictures you see of the earth from the moon. and i was just like "it would be cool to see the earth from the moon. i wonder what it's like to be in space. i want to be in space." in kind of a longing to get away from here thought.

i'm watching tv and there's a commercial on that has a girl in a stroller in and the stroller she's in is from nordstrom's and costs $800. i know that cuz on friday night my best guy friend stopped by on his way to see his bf so r, he and i went to disneyland and we saw one and he told me about it.

r and i went to a friend's house yesterday and it was so hot that we all just sat around and watched tv and movies. and i looked over at r, cuz she was across the room and she was watching the screen so she didn't see me. and i just stared at her and then i realized that i was smiling. r is just so beautiful, no matter what she says, and i'm just so glad that we're together.

i think someone just threw a watermelon out there window from upstairs (i'm on the first floor). i saw something fly past my window and heard a splat.

hybrid supercats, cat's that are part house cat part leopard. sounds cool. they look pretty and soft, but i dunno if i'd really want one cuz they seem like they would be like crossing a wolf and a dog (which has been found to be slightly dangerous).

OOOOOOH! kristi yamaguchi is on ellen!!! kristi was born and grew up where i did!!! gosh i remember when she was like 19 or whatever and skating...lol...i feel like some old fart "i remember, back in the day..."

hope y'all are getting the great weather that i am!

musings

2008-04-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

i am SOOOOOOOOOO tired of being sick. all last week i was just dead tired from the mono. so i missed some classes to sleep. then it seemed like i was getting better, i wasn't as tired. but then late on sunday i started having stomach pains and feeling nauseous, kind of like when you get a migraine but without the headache. and that night my QSA was going to a local club for our pride week '08 kick-off and r and i had already gotten our tickets. so r helped me to nurse myself well enough to go out. so we went and it was really fun. what is it about drag queens that gay men love?! we ended up leaving a little early though cuz i started not feeling well again. the pains and nausea continued through tuesday. and by tuesday the toilet and my rear end had become real good friends so i decided it was time to go to the doctor. i go to the local clinic cuz the school's health center was closed. the nurse gave me some oj cuz i looked pale. the doctor ran some simple tests and found my liver function to be increased so he had some blood drawn (4th time in 6 weeks...i think). i set up a follow-up walk out the door and proceed to throw up ALL of the oj. for the rest of the night whatever i put in, came right back up. so yesterday i woke up ad could barely walk across my room. i was able to eat and drink though. r's mom had gotten in real early and wanted to take us out to lunch so i went out. lunch was fine but then we went to target and i was dead tired after about 40 minutes. today i feel MUCH better, but i can feel that my stomach is still a little touchy.
i feel bad, cuz i NEVER get sick. until about 7 weeks ago. and so all r and her mom really know is that i get sick. r understands but i feel bad cuz i wanted to make a good impression with her mom and the first time i meet her i am dead tired and possibly on the verge of throwing up. she's here through monday so i'll probably have more times to make a better impression.
pride has been fun so far though. on tuesday, before i got real sick, our qsa held mock weddings (for anyone). r and i got married. and what the priestesses were saying for the ceremony was really awesome. it talked about how gays can't get married in 49 of 50 states but it still talked about commitment and love and had the three elements of a marriage ceremony. our university president also came out and made a small speech about how we are an open campus and how it shouldn't matter who you love as long as you really love them. i wasn't there for it, but r told me about it. it was awesome though because r went in and met with him to ask if he would officiate the weddings but he declined because it was a mock of a true legal thing but he said that he would love to say something and that he supports gay marriage. we were both a little surprised because he is a big money conservative. but i'm glad he DID make a statement.
tonight is a gay comedian and i can't wait.
i also start working on research with a professor today so i'm excited. =D

no scheme of man

2008-03-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
-"In Christ Alone"

while i was writing my last entry, well while i was reading the article actually, i questioned to the slightest degree whether or not homosexuality really is a sin. it wasn't a huge thing, and i got over it in about two minutes, but it still kind of bugged me. then on sunday i went to church with my parents. the message was about Christ dying on the cross and His love for us and how we all deserve and NEED it. but then the closing song was "in Christ alone." the song basically says that it is only thru Christ that we are saved. it's a really touching song but it really just hit home for me while we were singing. above is the chorus. i was singing and then i actually listened to what i was saying. "no power of hell, no scheme of man/can ever pluck me from His hand." i am saved in Christ. He died for me. God loves me. i'm going to heaven. God made me queer, God loves me, and NOTHING any "man" can say or come up with is EVER going to pull me from God's hands or make God stop loving me. i know He loves me and that's that. standing in church, i began to cry cuz i realized this. homosexuality is not a sin, God made me this way, and no one can deny me His love. God's love comes thru Christ's sacrifice not thru the permission of "men."

anxious

2008-03-22T23:50:00.001-07:00

originally this was going to be a rant about my new hair cut. long story short: i got impatient about cutting my hair short (don't worry i donated 11 inches to locks of love!) so instead of waiting for my usual hairstylist, i went to a lady she recommended. my hair is 2 inches shorter than i wanted. i look like a boy, almost. i feel lost without my hair. any suggestions on how to make hair grow back quicker?

ok so now the REAL post. which also requires a back story. so my mom and i drove from orange county to the new mexico/arizona border last sunday to pick up my two littlest cousins. we had some good talks along the way about her life, about why we were picking my cousins up (my 4-yr-old cousin was molested by her baby-sitter's son), about my life, about the world in general, about God, and the list continues. there came a point where my mom said something about having parents around for kids, and so i asked her if she felt it was important for children to have both a male and female "parental" influence in their life. like does it affect kids divorced families, or families where one parent is dead, or queer families. she answered yes and gave reasons and such and the discussion evolved and we got to when she and my dad were in their fost-adopt classes. i guess there were queer couples (yay) in them as well and she talked about how it seemed like the queer couples were stand-offish to the straight couples, they more than welcomed all the kids, though. and my mom said that she felt that people thought that queers were trying to indoctrinate kids because that's how queer couples act that they've met. i don't know how true this is as i don't remember this time, nor have i met a queer couple with kids that thought i was straight. and i asked her if she had heard about sally kern and she said no so i explained part of what sally kern said about queers indoctrinating kids, and how she thinks they are a bigger threat to the US than terrorism or Islam. and i told my mom that i really doubt that people meet "stand-offish" queer couples and think that they are trying to indoctrinate kids, i bet people have pre-conceived judgments, or hear them from people like sally kern, and then meet queer couples who ARE kind of stand-offish and it "confirms" their belief. my mom said that i was probably right and then said that it was almost as if the couples were afraid that the straights were going to take their kids away. and i told her that i bet she's very right in saying that. then i asked (sorry quick side-note) if it had been the 1960's or even 70's and they had been african-american, if she thought they'd have acted the same way as the minority who was not recognized or welcomed at all by society. and she said that they probably would have. and i said so maybe it isn't that the queer couples are stand-offish, maybe they are really just afraid, like you said, because they are the minority, the less than welcome minority at that. i think i really made my mom think there, i hope in a good way.

ok back on track. so then the convo evolved into how sally kern, and others, think that homosexuality is more dangerous than terrorism and Islam. and my mom made EVERYTHING clear. my brother goes to a hebrew class and sometimes the teacher shares stuff with the parents and one night she gave them an article on prophesy ("prophecies yet to be fulfilled"). i'm not sure if the teacher said this next bit or my mom figured it out or what but it makes TOTAL sense. in the Bible, there have been TONS of prophesies made, especially about isreal and the ancient jews. well as my mom said, all the 12 tribes did all these things that were sins, among them "homosexuality," and all 12 tribes fell. only one was restored, the one that repented. in the Bible there are also prophesies about the rapture, the tribulation and the second coming. many of the prophesies have come true, including prostitution, drug use, devil worshipers, population explosion, rapid advances in technology, etc. and one of the prophesies my mom said was homosexuality (the article ACTUALLY says "abnormal sexual activity," the only mention of homosexuality in the article is that the antichrist may be a homosexual (daniel 11:37) except that the verse doesn't say that...) and so people are getting really concerned because by recognizing and accepting queers, it is another prophecy coming true. after having read the article myself, it doesn't read the way my mom sounded like it did but it makes perfect sense what she is saying. it also makes perfect sense that if people are listening to dr. n. w. hutchings, who wrote the article, that they'd see acceptance of homosexuality as a fulfilled prophecy of the end times since it says that the antichrist may be queer (but read the verse, it DOESN'T say that!) it just seems to make sense though. along with queer folk being used as scapegoats and all that, and how the Bible has been used before to support wrong doings as stated in "for the Bible tells me so."

reading the article though, it talks a lot about the end times and how since most all of the prophecies in the Bible have been fulfilled exactly as stated that the ones to remain will happen. and it gives the "big 13" that all have to do with the antichrist, the rapture, the tribulation and the second coming. it just made me so anxious, in the same way that reading the "left behind" series when i was younger made me anxious. on one hand i'm anxious in a good way cuz Jesus is coming back! and God is making us all a new and wonderful and amazing and beyond words home that will be so much better than anything we could ever imagine or fathom or want. but in the other hand it makes me anxious in a bad way cuz it makes me think what if the rapture happens in my lifetime, and what if i don't get everything done i want to (see my to-do list)? and then that makes me think about death in general. and the same questions are raised, what if i die and i don't get everything done? and then what is death like? should i be scared? and then i think about dying and waiting for the rapture to happen, will i get to watch? will i be with my friends? then the judgement comes up, will i get bored waiting in line for God to judge me? will i stutter when Jesus calls me name? will the angels laugh when i trip and fall as i take my place in from of the Throne (cuz if i have feet, it's going to happen)? and i just get REAL anxious. and right now r is in rhode island and i just want to call and tell her i love her cuz what if i don't have to tell her? but really its just me being anxious. *sigh*

wow. this is a LOT longer than i meant for it to be. and it has evolved a lot. but i like it.

to my anchor, to my strength

2008-03-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

because without you today may not have been possible
because you calm me down when my heart runs its own marathon
because you are reason when i have no rhyme
because life really is wonderful now that you're in my world

i got so much i want to say
still i don't know where to start
i sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
well a few of the verses, they got me quite cross
i just needed to say that
you mean to me what i mean to you
and together baby there is nothing we won't do

i know you know, but it's too late, baby,
there's no turning around
i've got my hands in my pockets and my head in a cloud
you know this is how i do when i think about you
i feel like a fallen hero and you are my heroine

and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
and i'd give up forever to touch you
'cause i know that you feel me somehow
so please stay with me tonight
would you hold me close until the morning?
please stay with me tonight

rain falls angry on the tin roof
as we lie awake in my bed
you're my survival
you're my living proof
'cause God only knows what i'd be without you

and those three words
they're said too much
but they're not enough

and now i know i can't be the only one
i bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
with the love of their life who feel
what i feel when i'm with you

if i lay here, if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
all the constellations would shine down for you to see
that i shine so bright when you're around

and you can tell everybody this is your song
it may be quite simple but now that it's done
i hope you don't mind that i put down in words
how wonderful life is with you in my world
(above lyrics taken/paraphrased from "hands on me", "a thousand miles" & "who's to say" by vanessa carlton, "i'll be" & "iris" by the goo goo dolls, "angel" by sudden rush, "God only knows" by the beach boys, "with you" by chris brown, "hero/heroine" by boys like girls, "chasing cars" by snow patrol, "your song" by elton john & then some of my own stuff)

the days have been long and rough lately
but the one constant i have had is r
always there to talk
always there to listen
always there to make me laugh
or to let me cry

life has been an uphill battle
and today i hit the top
nearly fell over the edge
but r was there to grab me and pull me back

i dunno if i've got another climb
or if i get to head back down
but i know that r is standing beside me
holding my hand
and telling me that it's going to be okay

she's praying
and i know God's got me in His arms
she's saying she loves me
and God has got us both

i'm feeling around in the dark
and i feel God pick me up
and then i feel r's hand in mine
then the lights come up

so cliche but
God only knows what i'd be without r
and for that i am beyond grateful
that God knows what i would be
but won't let me

queer couples

2008-03-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

i was reading through my blogs (as i call it) and i read Suburban Lesbian Housewife's blog. it was about how she wonders what her three boys feel having two moms, two dads, and an anonymous biological father. towards the beginning there was a funny part so i read it to r. afterwards we talked about what we each thought about raising kids with two moms. like should there be a dad figure? should the kids call him dad? how often should they be with him and stuff like that. it was a good conversation. we also both wondered how kids raised by queer parents felt. how it'd be interesting to do a study on how kids feel that have queer parents.

...more

2008-03-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

this is just a continuation/broader look at part of yesterday's post.
i found the full version of what sally kern had to say about homosexuality on blogicalinks. she really perturbs me. she is so ignorant and stuck in the lies that have been spread about homosexuality. as wanda sykes and ellen said on the video in my previous post, hearing her speak is like finding a bird you thought was extinct, i didn't realize the extent of the people who still believed the bull***t she is saying. please pardon my language, i am worked up.

then i found this letter on Suburban Lesbian Housewife's blog and it really touched me. Suburban Lesbian Housewife isn't sure if Tucker is a real person or not (and is investigating) but i sure hope he is, and i hope that even if he isn't that this letter will have some kind of impact on Sally Kern and other politicians.

A letter to Sally Kern from a senior in high school in Oklahoma.
*******

Today my nephew attempted to deliver a letter to Sally Kern but
was stopped by a highway patrol man. With his permission I am
distributing the letter to all news stations and thought I would
include it here.

Maybe we can all stand to learn a listen from this smart, loving,
young man. He more than most has reason to hate. He lost his
mother, my sister, in the Murrah Building bombing.

Elizabeth

*****

Letter From Tucker

Rep Kern:
On April 19, 1995, in Oklahoma City a terrorist detonated a bomb
that killed my mother and 167 others. 19 children died that day.
Had I not had the chicken pox that day, the body count would've
likely have included one more. Over 800 other Oklahomans were
injured that day and many of those still suffer through their
permanent wounds.

That terrorist was neither a homosexual or was he involved in
Islam. He was an extremist Christian forcing his views through a
body count. He held his beliefs and made those who didn't live up
to them pay with their lives.

As you were not a resident of Oklahoma on that day, it could be
explained why you so carelessly chose words saying that the
homosexual agenda is worst than terrorism. I can most certainly
tell you through my own experience that is not true. I am sure
there are many people in your voting district that laid a loved
one to death after the terrorist attack on Oklahoma City. I kind
of doubt you'll find one of them that will agree with you.

I was five years old when my mother died. I remember what a
beautiful, wise, and remarkable woman she was. I miss her. Your
harsh words and misguided beliefs brought me to tears, because you
told me that my mother's killer was a better person than a group
of people that are seeking safety and tolerance for themselves.

As someone left motherless and victimized by terrorists, I say to
you very clearly you are absolutely wrong.

You represent a district in Oklahoma City and you very coldly
express a lack of love, sympathy or understanding for what they've
been through. Can I ask if you might have chosen wiser words were
you a real Oklahoman that was here to share the suffering with
Oklahoma City? Might your heart be a bit less cold had you been
around to see the small bodies of children being pulled out of
rubble and carried away by weeping firemen?

I've spent 12 years in Oklahoma public schools and never once have
I had anyone try to force a gay agenda on me. I have seen,
however, many gay students beat up and there's never a day in
school that has went by when I haven't heard the word **** slung
at someone. I've been called gay slurs many times and they hurt
and I am not even gay so I can just imagine how a real gay person
feels. You were a school teacher and you have seen those things
too. How could you care so little about the suffering of some of
your students?

Let me tell you the result of your words in my school. Every
openly gay and suspected gay in the school were having to walk
together Monday for protection. They looked scared. They've
already experienced enough hate and now your words gave other
students even more motivation to sneer at them and call them
names. Afterall, you are a teacher and a lawmaker, many young
people have taken your words to heart. That happens when you
assume a role of responsibility in your community. I seriously
think before this week ends that some kids here will be going home
bruised and bloody because of what you said.

I wish you could've met my mom. Maybe she could've guided you in
how a real Christian should be acting and speaking.

I have not had a mother for nearly 13 years now and wonder if
there were fewer people like you around, people with more love and
tolerance in their hearts instead of strife, if my mom would be
here to watch me graduate from high school this spring. Now she
won't be there. So I'll be packing my things and leaving Oklahoma
to go to college elsewhere and one day be a writer and I have no
intentions to ever return here. I have no doubt that people like
you will incite crazy people to build more bombs and kill more
people again. I don't want to be here for that. I just can't go
through that again.

You may just see me as a kid, but let me try to teach you
something. The old saying is sticks and stones will break your
bones, but words will never hurt you. Well, your words hurt me.
Your words disrespected the memory of my mom. Your words can cause
others to pick up sticks and stones and hurt others.

Sincerely

Tucker

are you my mommies?

2008-03-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

i'm a mommy!!!! =D my animal behaviors class has been doing some experiments with male bettas (i promise it was all humane) and today we got to take the fish home!! so i took two. and now r and i are MOMMIES!!! i already had one fish from an experiment last semester (well i had two, but one died) but now r and i have fish TOGETHER! lol one of the bettas was a blood red with black accents, we named him dana (after dana on the l-word, cuz that can also be a guy's name), and the other is a deep, deep blue/purple with aqua blue accents, we named him art. dana now lives with me and my fish, deb, and art lives with r.

so i just saw this. another idiot politician going on about homosexuals, but talking out of their ass. i really liked ellen's response, though:

and on a lighter note...WANDA SYKES!!! and ellen too!

the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup

2008-03-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

i'm TWENTY! it's WEIRD! i filled out a form today that required my age and i wrote 19 then went "whoa! i'm 20 now!"

so last last weekend i went out to dinner with a friend of mine from high school, well technically jr high. i had a crush on him on and off for 6 years straight, he was my jr prom AND sr ball date..."just as friends" of course. we hadn't seen each other in awhile so it was really great to get together with him. i came out to him over dinner. he asked what was new and i told him i had a girlfriend. he took it so smoothly. and as we talked it became OBVIOUS he was gay, i mean he started talking about his boyfriend. all through high school people asked me if he was gay and i was always like "i dunno, i hope not" but i was blinded. so in a round-a-bout way we basically told each other our coming out stories and stuff and it was great. he knew he was gay when he was 15...makes me wonder if he would have rather taken a guy to our proms, but he also said that he only told people who asked, he didn't feel the need to share, so i doubt it. it was a GREAT dinner. i'm so glad that we got together. i find it so funny tho, i must REALLY be queer, i mean the ONLY guy i had real, honest crush on in high school is gay. =)

so this weekend my parents came down for my birthday. at first i was apprehensive cuz of i was turning twenty and i was hanging with my family. and also cuz i knew r wanted to meet them, and i know we had our talk and my parents said to treat it "like i had a boyfriend" but i was still unsure how they felt. r and i knew that their meeting would have to be on my parents' terms. r stayed with me on friday night. then on saturday i went to my regatta to support (cuz i'm on health leave) and afterward had to write a paper summary. r had stayed in my room while i was gone and was still there when i got back. while i was finishing my summary, my dad texted and asked when i'd be ready and if r was coming with us to disneyland. i was surprised and asked if it was alright (cuz i knew my mom had reservations...which my dad told me and got in trouble for...i think she had told him but just meant that tho she was planning on meeting r, she wasn't quite sure she was ready, but she'd still meet her...and my dad took it wrong and told me just trying to let me down easy per se). my dad said that it was ok so r and i got ready. then my family and r spent most of the afternoon and evening at disneyland and then we went out to dinner at red robin's and then back to my family's hotel room and watched "mr. magorium's wonder emporium" (i'd like to say it was amazing but i kept drifting off. i LOVE dustin hoffman! and natalie portman!). afterwards i asked r if my family was too much and she said no, that she really likes them. i was relieved. and both my parents liked r, too, so yay. we obviously couldn't act like a couple in front of my brother, which was HARD, but i had a great time. =)

it's wonderful when life just works.

r and i have realized that because our schedules conflict we really can't go to church together so instead we are looking for a midweek service we can attend. and we have also decided that we are going to read the Bible together a couple of nights a week. we started in 1 corinthians. the love chapter...right? and also, for some reason it just didn't seem right to start in genesis or matthew. so far it has been amazing. when i read and pray with r it is EASILY the most amazing feeling ever, and i really feel SO much closer to r.

last night i was with r kind of late and i got back to my dorm around 12:30am. my roommate had gone to bed and left my light on for me. she had also left a pamphlet on my whiteboard with a note that said "uganda! made me think of you!" and it had an arrow pointing to a mission trip that the church she attends is going on. i thought it was SUPER sweet! =) then this morning i actually opened and looked through the pamphlet (turns out to be a church event calendar) and my heart sank: HELP PROTECT OUR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM Please sign petition at Info Table to constitutionalize marriage between a man & a woman. Take a sheet home to get your neighbors to sign. Petitions must be received in Sacramento before April 1st. You must be a registered voter. i don't know if you've heard but last week the california supreme court justices held a hearing about legalizing gay marriage in california. i think it was on tuesday the 4th. but they have 90 days to come up with a decision. i've talked with my roommate on the issue before and i know that she doesn't support gay marriage but she doesn't really align with the church she attend's views either so i KNOW that she probably didn't even notice that blurp. it just made me so sad that this church is mingling in politics in this way. it also kind of threw me cuz the church is harvest rock church...hrc...so the blurp was under the heading of HRC UPCOMING EVENTS. a little ironic i thought.

figuring things out

2008-02-27T14:27:00.001-08:00

so it turns out i'm not a complete idiot. the endoscopy found that i, basically, have a yeast infection in my throat. something that is normally caused by an immunodeficiency of some kind. so today i went to my primary doctor and discussed some possibilities and then had blood tests run. hopefully something will show what caused it. it's not life threatening, but it is something that SHOULDN'T have happened, so they are trying to figure out why. but i probably DID swallow the pill wrong.

so last night my parents and i went out to dinner while my little brother stayed with a baby-sitter. we went to talk about what the endoscopy found and different things that i might have done for it to happen, just so my parents and i were on the same page when we went to the doctor this morning. the conversation turned to my sexuality, and r, and how i felt my parents, especially my mom, were reacting, and why i felt like i didn't call anymore. it was a rough conversation. especially having to tell my mom that it hurt every time she called me a sinner. and then her not understanding how she was doing it, and explaining it to her. explaining that she doesn't SAY it but she says things like "you know that i have always loved the sinner but hated the sin." all three of us realized that we had hurt the others and that we were just breaking each other down instead of functioning as a family. in the end we all decided to agree to disagree on some things (like my mom thinks that "my choice" will lead to a sinful lifestyle, whereas my dad isn't sure, and i do not believe it at all), and that we have to listen to each other when one of us says that they are being hurt by another and not try to defend ourselves but just realize that maybe we DID hurt them without intending it. so it was a good talk in the end.
except that i felt like an idiot again. see, i've always interpreted my mom's actions/reactions towards me, and "my choice," and the fact that i have a girlfriend (or s-o as my dad says...significant other) in a negative way. so i straight up asked my parents how much/what i could talk about with them about r and i. and my mom was like, "well i see it that same as if you had a boyfriend, so treat it that way." i was floored. not only had i been ranting to r about how my mom is and her reactions (and painting a bad picture) but i had also restrained her from doing somethings involving my family for fear of how my family would react. when in reality they were unfounded fears and i was just hurting the relationship between r and my parents (by not letting it even start). i apologized to my parents and i explained and apologized to r. but i still feel like an idiot. r said to stop beating myself up, so i'm trying. i am relieved. that my parents are more open/accepting than i originally thought. i mean i knew my dad was, except that he can't quite say that i have a girlfriend yet. they even said that r could come home at easter if she didn't already have plans. but she does, so she's going to try and come up after school is out. =)

ps-i'm flying back to school tonight!!! yay!

being an idiot

2008-02-26T00:11:00.000-08:00

so i feel like a real idiot. i am going to honduras on may 31 for a global medical brigades trip (learn more here) and i have to be immunized for a bunch of stuff. so this last tuesday i took the first of four typhoid vaccine pills. wednesday i woke up and felt like i had dry swallowed a pill and it wouldn't go down. i didn't think much of it. then i took the second one on thursday and the feeling got worse. then on friday it began to hurt when i'd swallow. r and i went to DL that night and we were eating dinner and i swallowed and it felt like someone was forcing something into my lungs and then tightening them at the same time, causing a shortness of breath. by the end of the night it also felt like i had a little bit of acid coming up my throat. r told me to go to the ER and i was like "no, it's ok, really, i can handle it" being the tough idiot i am. i compromised by saying if i felt the same when i woke up i'd go to the urgent care clinic. so i did. the dr there was like "i dunno what's wrong" and i felt like i had wasted my time. i called my mom later that night after a painful brownie at BJs with some friends. she told me to call my dr at home and ask what to do. i called and guess what she said? go to the ER so they can refer you to a gastroenterologist. this was on sunday after r and i went to church. by this point after i swallowed it felt like my lungs and heart were on fire. i called my parents and they wanted me to fly up to norcal to go to our gastroenterologist. so i flew home immediately, went to the ER here and got an urgent referral to the gastroenterologist. so i saw him today and i go in for an endoscopy tomorrow. diagnosis: a pill (well capsule) got stuck in my esophagus and started to dissolve, causing the pain (as it was stuck) and a chemical burn (the burning). the kicker: this is most commonly found in the elderly that reside in hospices, etc. because they are so frazzled and hurried when they take their meds, but the nurses are not there long enough to make sure they drink enough water, so the pill isn't flushed down. i am 19. i am capable of swallowing a pill, with water! i am an idiot.

reasons i am an idiot:
-i apparently cannot swallow pills
-i didn't listen to my girlfriend when she was right
-i tried to be tough (one of my biggest downfalls)
-i have caused a mess that could have been avoided

i am living my "consequences." lesson learned.

it would be just my luck, though, that i get hurt by doing something that will aid me helping others. not that i am blaming anyone but me, but that's just how i am.

closer

2008-02-22T12:28:00.000-08:00

r had a rough evening last night and came over to talk. it was good to be able to comfort her since she's the one been doing all the comforting lately. towards the end of the talk she got real quiet and i asked her what she was thinking. she said it was silly. and i told her to not worry, just tell me. and she stumbled/struggled with it for a minute. "it's just, i just...i was wondering if you'd...if you'd...pray with me." the first time she said "i was wondering if you'd" i knew what she was going to ask, i just knew that i had to let her ask. she was very grateful when i said yes. she hadn't prayed in awhile and was afraid so i asked her if she wanted me to start. so i did. and we prayed. and it was...just indescribable. like you could feel the connection between God and us, like each of us with God as well as between us. afterward we agreed that we should pray together more often. and i pray that we do. and that we continue to grow closer to God and to each other.