i've been home since sunday night and i am so glad to be around my dogs again. my younger dog has this habit of following around whoever is home and "hanging out" with them. usually its my mom if we are all home, but the last few days i've been home alone or with my brother and so the dog follows me around. last night i was in my room folding laundry or whatever and i looked over and he was laying with his head in his paws facing the door like he was my little guard post. it was sooooooo cute. i moved to get my camera and he looked up like "what? what's the matter?" it was so cute. =)
i've also been looking thru a brochure for a school of religion here in norcal because i'm interested in a certificate they have. and i was reading about the master's in theological studies and i just got like this great focus when reading it and i was like "hmmm...maybe that's what i've been looking for" since i've been so confused with what to do after university ends and nothing i read has seemed right. i don't know. i'm going to pray about it. but it really got me thinking. and i realized how much my faith affected my coming out and how much my coming out has affected my faith.
see when i came out to myself it was more of an admission to God that i was putting my life in His hands and it appeared as though He was telling me it was ok to love other women. so it was definitely me submitting to God. so it was really my faith in God that allowed me to come out. at the same time, since i've come out my faith has grown and i feel much more secure and confident in it. i mean that's what happens when you put your full and true faith in God, then your faith grows. wow, so glad i finally figured that out! =)
this is a favorite of mine. and this is an excellent version. enjoy!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
lovely
earlier today i drove home from college. i passed thru LA and i realized that LA and the surrounding cities are like a huge tarmac playground. there are buildings and cement everywhere!!! and then all of a sudden there is fake nature. i mean its grass and trees and there's squirrels and stuff but it is all tame and completely reliant on humans. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. one thing i do know is that the sunrise over LA is just as pretty as when it rises here at home.
also realized today (on the 7 hour ride home) that i am VERY thankful for my closest few friends. in today's age of now, now, now information we are expected to know lots of people and be friends with everyone. but in reality it helps us stay away from people and not make real connections. and really, i'd rather have a few really good, really close friends that are true and genuine and that REALLY know me, than a million friends that don't know the first true thing about me. shouts to r, navra, ja, and rory.
ps- this is a rocking blog from a person that rocks my world: first person narrator
also realized today (on the 7 hour ride home) that i am VERY thankful for my closest few friends. in today's age of now, now, now information we are expected to know lots of people and be friends with everyone. but in reality it helps us stay away from people and not make real connections. and really, i'd rather have a few really good, really close friends that are true and genuine and that REALLY know me, than a million friends that don't know the first true thing about me. shouts to r, navra, ja, and rory.
ps- this is a rocking blog from a person that rocks my world: first person narrator
Thursday, November 05, 2009
one of the boys
yesterday in my ecosystems ecology lab/practical we were constructing chicken wire cages to put around plants that we are running experiments on so that the snails we are using won't leave the plants...who knew snails were such turds? but anyway. there were six of us in the lab...4 girls, 2 boys...we had three groups...2 were mixed and then mine was two girls. so we set out to prepare our experiments. we needed to build the cages, prep the plants, add the snails. so half of us were building the cages and the other half were prepping the plants. then one of the girls goes: it's kinda funny, the boys are the ones building the cages. *everyone chuckles* well the boys and k. *real laughter*.
proof from my peers: i'm one of the boys. =)
proof from my peers: i'm one of the boys. =)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
guns n roses
so...today i had THREE stressful events but i made it through.
i started the morning off real good. i did my usually three hours of research. today i got to scan leaves into the computer and then used this cool program that figures out the area of the dark space in order to...dunt dunt dunt....find the surface area of the leaves we're gonna mess with. =)
then the first stressor. and this will probably sound odd but i went to the therapist. a few weeks ago i had a real stressful spell n just wanted to explode so i went to the school psychological center. i basically just wanted to have a system in place just in case it happened again. but the therapist said to come back the next week so i did. but after the first visit and especially today i remembered why i didn't like therapy. i feel like the therapist asks dumb questions and you give dumb answers and you just feel dumb. and all i can say is that i feel better talking to people who already know and are actually interested in me...i feel bad saying that cuz i know some people who are therapists and they are great people. maybe i'm just not as open to it as i need to be in order to take it ok.
second...the second round interview for a job i applied for. i'll know by friday. it's a place calledbounceU. i'm excited. but i was super nervous cuz all my jobs before have been phone interviews or i knew the people who hired me so it was nerve racking.
third...test. but it went REALLY well. it was in sexual politic in a diverse society...i basically knew all the gay stuff from other classes so it was good! =)
i also got to go to QSA which i usually miss cuz of class. then after i went to cheesecake factory with r n a friend that rocked. we parked on the rose level. which made me think of drop dead gorgeous so now i'm watching it!!!
i started the morning off real good. i did my usually three hours of research. today i got to scan leaves into the computer and then used this cool program that figures out the area of the dark space in order to...dunt dunt dunt....find the surface area of the leaves we're gonna mess with. =)
then the first stressor. and this will probably sound odd but i went to the therapist. a few weeks ago i had a real stressful spell n just wanted to explode so i went to the school psychological center. i basically just wanted to have a system in place just in case it happened again. but the therapist said to come back the next week so i did. but after the first visit and especially today i remembered why i didn't like therapy. i feel like the therapist asks dumb questions and you give dumb answers and you just feel dumb. and all i can say is that i feel better talking to people who already know and are actually interested in me...i feel bad saying that cuz i know some people who are therapists and they are great people. maybe i'm just not as open to it as i need to be in order to take it ok.
second...the second round interview for a job i applied for. i'll know by friday. it's a place calledbounceU. i'm excited. but i was super nervous cuz all my jobs before have been phone interviews or i knew the people who hired me so it was nerve racking.
third...test. but it went REALLY well. it was in sexual politic in a diverse society...i basically knew all the gay stuff from other classes so it was good! =)
i also got to go to QSA which i usually miss cuz of class. then after i went to cheesecake factory with r n a friend that rocked. we parked on the rose level. which made me think of drop dead gorgeous so now i'm watching it!!!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
the hours
so i have been failing miserably and blogging! but alas i will one day get there.
i figured out what i want to be when i grow up, for the third time. i want to be a social justice advocate/director/person. i don't know the exact position title but i want to be that. at my school we have a social justice department in student government and our staff member for it's name is erin. i want to be her. she not only is advisor/staff member for social justice but she is also the head of safe space. to quote my school's website: (sorry i'm not posting a link for safety reasons) "Safe Space is an educational intervention to show support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning (LGBTQ) students and to make an environmental and cultural impact on the school campus through a public display of support for this community. This outward display designates given areas or offices as “safe spaces” for LGBTQ students. This intervention is supported by the Division of Student Affairs at the university." (so i looked it up just now, erin is program coordinator for diversity and equity initiatives.) so that's what i want to do. i want to do what erin does, not necessarily at the university level, though it's probably the most fun, but somewhere. so basically this means that i want to go to grad school for sociology (aka follow my minor) and NOT environmental science. lol. i still love the environment and working in it and stuff but i'm not IN love with it. mhm. so there's that.
speaking of my minor, a class i am currently taking is "sexual politics in diverse society." which basically means that we talk about the history of gay people and all things related in a political context. i'm enjoying it, though i already know a lot of it. lol. but anyway, today we were talking about outing and closets. and we talked about some interesting things that i hadn't really thought about. like can you be gay and in the closet? it seems relatively obvious that the answer should be DUH! but when you think about it if a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? with no one knowing that you're gay is there really anyone to be in the closet to hide from? and if no one knows you're gay, are you? that's a very philosophical question that the teacher left for us to think about (he has a girlfriend but i think he might be bi...so i don't know how much i can trust his knowing what it feels like to be gay even if no one else knows. oh ps-if it isn't obvious yet i'm queer. just thought you should know lol). my response to his question is yes, even if no one else knows that you are gay, you are. and i think that yes you can be in the closet even if no one knows you are, because you are still hiding a part of yourself.
another interesting question/thought: does the closet give gay people a voice? what about protection? is it TRULY safe there? my professor said that the closet doesn't give the gay person a voice, but rather society. society has the voice to say "we don't like you so you should hide from us or else." i agree with him but i also believe that it does give the gay person a voice to a certain extent, it gives them the voice to say "i don't want to tell you this about me (albeit i don't want you to know because you hate me)." i mean technically there are all sorts of closets. cancer patients can be in the closet about their affliction and its their choice whom and when to tell. so i think the closet gives gay people the same sort of voice. the closet does to an extent protect, only because society can't hurt you if they don't have a reason to hate you. but then again it doesn't protect you from the mental afflictions of being afraid of society and being judged. which means that no, it isn't truly safe in the closet. the problem with imaginary doors is that they don't come with real keys and can be forced open by anyone leaving gay people vulnerable.
pretty much best performance i've seen in awhile....i won't say ever cuz it's not true but i love this!!!! i pretty much love beyonce...if jay-z goes missing look me up. lol
i figured out what i want to be when i grow up, for the third time. i want to be a social justice advocate/director/person. i don't know the exact position title but i want to be that. at my school we have a social justice department in student government and our staff member for it's name is erin. i want to be her. she not only is advisor/staff member for social justice but she is also the head of safe space. to quote my school's website: (sorry i'm not posting a link for safety reasons) "Safe Space is an educational intervention to show support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning (LGBTQ) students and to make an environmental and cultural impact on the school campus through a public display of support for this community. This outward display designates given areas or offices as “safe spaces” for LGBTQ students. This intervention is supported by the Division of Student Affairs at the university." (so i looked it up just now, erin is program coordinator for diversity and equity initiatives.) so that's what i want to do. i want to do what erin does, not necessarily at the university level, though it's probably the most fun, but somewhere. so basically this means that i want to go to grad school for sociology (aka follow my minor) and NOT environmental science. lol. i still love the environment and working in it and stuff but i'm not IN love with it. mhm. so there's that.
speaking of my minor, a class i am currently taking is "sexual politics in diverse society." which basically means that we talk about the history of gay people and all things related in a political context. i'm enjoying it, though i already know a lot of it. lol. but anyway, today we were talking about outing and closets. and we talked about some interesting things that i hadn't really thought about. like can you be gay and in the closet? it seems relatively obvious that the answer should be DUH! but when you think about it if a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? with no one knowing that you're gay is there really anyone to be in the closet to hide from? and if no one knows you're gay, are you? that's a very philosophical question that the teacher left for us to think about (he has a girlfriend but i think he might be bi...so i don't know how much i can trust his knowing what it feels like to be gay even if no one else knows. oh ps-if it isn't obvious yet i'm queer. just thought you should know lol). my response to his question is yes, even if no one else knows that you are gay, you are. and i think that yes you can be in the closet even if no one knows you are, because you are still hiding a part of yourself.
another interesting question/thought: does the closet give gay people a voice? what about protection? is it TRULY safe there? my professor said that the closet doesn't give the gay person a voice, but rather society. society has the voice to say "we don't like you so you should hide from us or else." i agree with him but i also believe that it does give the gay person a voice to a certain extent, it gives them the voice to say "i don't want to tell you this about me (albeit i don't want you to know because you hate me)." i mean technically there are all sorts of closets. cancer patients can be in the closet about their affliction and its their choice whom and when to tell. so i think the closet gives gay people the same sort of voice. the closet does to an extent protect, only because society can't hurt you if they don't have a reason to hate you. but then again it doesn't protect you from the mental afflictions of being afraid of society and being judged. which means that no, it isn't truly safe in the closet. the problem with imaginary doors is that they don't come with real keys and can be forced open by anyone leaving gay people vulnerable.
pretty much best performance i've seen in awhile....i won't say ever cuz it's not true but i love this!!!! i pretty much love beyonce...if jay-z goes missing look me up. lol
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
fail
so i definitely failed on the blogging everyday thing.
oops.
anyway. what to talk about? i really need to get back into the swing of things.
well for one i am sooooo over school. it's only been 3 weeks now but i'm over it. but really what would i be doing? i mean what in the world am i gonna do with my life when i'm out of school? ugh. may is going to get here waaaay too fast. i can feel it. i'll probably just sit around watching CSI and family guy and miss all my friends.
ugh. my leg has also been randomly hurting today. first my knee and then my hip flexor. it just aches.
yea i have absolutely nothing to write. hopefully tomorrow i will =)
oops.
anyway. what to talk about? i really need to get back into the swing of things.
well for one i am sooooo over school. it's only been 3 weeks now but i'm over it. but really what would i be doing? i mean what in the world am i gonna do with my life when i'm out of school? ugh. may is going to get here waaaay too fast. i can feel it. i'll probably just sit around watching CSI and family guy and miss all my friends.
ugh. my leg has also been randomly hurting today. first my knee and then my hip flexor. it just aches.
yea i have absolutely nothing to write. hopefully tomorrow i will =)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
getting back into it
i'm not even going to try and "catch-up" lol but i'm sure there will be stories and anecdotes from my trip to south africa and tis past summer in posts to come.
i realize that there IS some sort of blog everyday for a month type thing...i think its called NaBloWriMo or something like that...but i am not doing that even though i HAVE decided to do my best to blog everyday for...awhile...cuz i miss it. =)
so today...
my toe feels weird. the day before yesterday it hurt to walk on it and then last night it started tingling. the kind of tingling like when a lose cotton material rubs ever so slightly on your skin. like that. i looked it up and i think i may have pinched a nerve....possibly when my toe HURT. it feels better today so i'm not too concerned.
i am ADDICTED to CSI. it's pretty much killing my productivity. i have wasted THE WHOLE WEEKEND on CSI or family guy. instead of doing homework and cleaning. =)
i saw "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" on friday night. it is hands down the most hilarious movie you will ever see. and one of the best in general. i LOVED it! as did my girlfriend. lol
ok back to homework....or to be honest CSI ;)
i realize that there IS some sort of blog everyday for a month type thing...i think its called NaBloWriMo or something like that...but i am not doing that even though i HAVE decided to do my best to blog everyday for...awhile...cuz i miss it. =)
so today...
my toe feels weird. the day before yesterday it hurt to walk on it and then last night it started tingling. the kind of tingling like when a lose cotton material rubs ever so slightly on your skin. like that. i looked it up and i think i may have pinched a nerve....possibly when my toe HURT. it feels better today so i'm not too concerned.
i am ADDICTED to CSI. it's pretty much killing my productivity. i have wasted THE WHOLE WEEKEND on CSI or family guy. instead of doing homework and cleaning. =)
i saw "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" on friday night. it is hands down the most hilarious movie you will ever see. and one of the best in general. i LOVED it! as did my girlfriend. lol
ok back to homework....or to be honest CSI ;)
Saturday, August 01, 2009
the gray week-ish
since july 13th, i've been on jury duty. it sucks. i hate it. it's my civic duty. that's about all i can say. we are deliberating, and i can't wait for it to be over! the subject matter is something that hits close to home and i knew i'd be able to put any emotions aside to make a proper judicial/legal/fair/whatever judgement but i didn't realize the emotional toll it would take on me just being around the subject matter.
then tuesday my computer just randomly crashed itself and there was a random crack on the case that whatever caused it also seemed to have cause some internal damage. but the cost to repair it all was about the same amount as it would be to buy a new computer, so my parents and i decided to buy a new computer. they chipped in but i paid for about 2/3rds of it. which is fine with me, but it sucked cuz i'm nearing the end of an online class i'm taking in computer programming so it set me three days back in my work/studying for the final.
then i went to the doctor on wednesday, and not to get into too much personal detail, i needed to have blood work ran. thyroid check, glucose/insulin/glucagon check, and a couple of other things. wellll the glucose etc. check is a fasting one where you fast then they take blood and you drink 75mg of straight sugar (basically soda syrup yech!!) then they take blood at 1 hr, 2 hr and 3hr. wellll from the fasting, and cuz my veins just SUCK, my veins were very small. needless to say after all was said and done i had been poked 7 times, had one collapsed vein, one blocked up vein, and had had my blood literally sucked out of me. NOT FUN! hopefully it was worth it cuz today i look like a druggy (the blood work was run yesterday).
THEN today i was working on my work and the book is written for windows users so i've had to do some 'translating' for my mac but up until now it's been pretty minor. but this chapter we learned how to open, close, amend and create files. WELL the types of files and how windows works with them is MUCH different than the ones mac's use. it took me THREE hours to 'translate' and figure out the file type to use and how to get it to work. BUT NOW IT WORKS! =)
and then on top of all that i'm stressing out about "being in the real world" after i graduate and what to do with my life. and then the general economic woes of every other jobless 21-year-old. needless to say this week hasn't been amazing. but mostly the opposite.
on a lighter note, this song is AWESOME!! it's really cool and it brings a smile to my face every time i hear it. it's by owl city. here's a youtube video someone made of the song:
then tuesday my computer just randomly crashed itself and there was a random crack on the case that whatever caused it also seemed to have cause some internal damage. but the cost to repair it all was about the same amount as it would be to buy a new computer, so my parents and i decided to buy a new computer. they chipped in but i paid for about 2/3rds of it. which is fine with me, but it sucked cuz i'm nearing the end of an online class i'm taking in computer programming so it set me three days back in my work/studying for the final.
then i went to the doctor on wednesday, and not to get into too much personal detail, i needed to have blood work ran. thyroid check, glucose/insulin/glucagon check, and a couple of other things. wellll the glucose etc. check is a fasting one where you fast then they take blood and you drink 75mg of straight sugar (basically soda syrup yech!!) then they take blood at 1 hr, 2 hr and 3hr. wellll from the fasting, and cuz my veins just SUCK, my veins were very small. needless to say after all was said and done i had been poked 7 times, had one collapsed vein, one blocked up vein, and had had my blood literally sucked out of me. NOT FUN! hopefully it was worth it cuz today i look like a druggy (the blood work was run yesterday).
THEN today i was working on my work and the book is written for windows users so i've had to do some 'translating' for my mac but up until now it's been pretty minor. but this chapter we learned how to open, close, amend and create files. WELL the types of files and how windows works with them is MUCH different than the ones mac's use. it took me THREE hours to 'translate' and figure out the file type to use and how to get it to work. BUT NOW IT WORKS! =)
and then on top of all that i'm stressing out about "being in the real world" after i graduate and what to do with my life. and then the general economic woes of every other jobless 21-year-old. needless to say this week hasn't been amazing. but mostly the opposite.
on a lighter note, this song is AWESOME!! it's really cool and it brings a smile to my face every time i hear it. it's by owl city. here's a youtube video someone made of the song:
Saturday, July 25, 2009
things i hate right now
-not knowing what to do with my life (the future not the immediate)
-having too many things i want to do with my life
-not having a job
-not knowing if i'll have a job when i get to school
-not having many options when it comes to jobs
-wanting to be at a place in my life that i'm not and won't be for awhile (aka looking too far into the future)
-the lack of a bridge to hawaii
-having too many things i want to do with my life
-not having a job
-not knowing if i'll have a job when i get to school
-not having many options when it comes to jobs
-wanting to be at a place in my life that i'm not and won't be for awhile (aka looking too far into the future)
-the lack of a bridge to hawaii
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